Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Getting strung along by a woman is a painful experience most men have experienced at least once in their lives. We men are just too good-hearted and naive when we’re not yet battle-hardened and in love with a woman. When you’re getting used by a woman or when you’re underappreciated, your chances of becoming her boyfriend by sticking around are roughly as high as being a contestant in the Bachelorette. If a woman only strings you along, you’re only one more sausage thrown into the massive sausage fest. And somehow it’s always someone else’s sausage that ends up being eaten. Because for a woman, too many choices always follow an endless string of decision fatigue.
A timid man with little achievements who developed himself into a highly desired high-value man has to learn the same lessons that women are faced with all the time: Once you become desirable as a man, your array of options becomes so overwhelming, that you sometimes don’t know who to date. But a good man lets go of his greed and commits to one woman despite having more options than he could count. Being a committed man or woman is a universally desirable trait. As a result, if a woman does not offer you commitment, you always walk away from her.
Welcome back to Dating Dilemma, I’m Andi Galster. I got a message from a guy who’s just the backup plan for a girl who’s not happy with her boyfriend but he’s still having his hopes up that maybe they could work out together because they get along quite well. So, let’s break down the problem. Dating Dilemma Breakdown, coming up.
Is she Using you Emotionally: When she Talks to you about her Boyfriend that she’s NOT Happy with
Hi, I would love to hear your take on this. I have been dating a girl 7 years ago for two years and I’m not sure where we stand right now. Actually, we stayed friends afterward. We mostly communicate through text as we live in different countries. Since 3 years ago she’s with a new guy. I expected them to get married and have kids and so on because I know that’s her big wish in life. I was actually happy for her that she found that type of guy but after 1 1/2 years she started complaining to me about her relationship.
She said that things weren’t great and that she considers herself single again. She actually moved to a different city alone and I try to be supportive. A few weeks later she’s back with him because he doesn’t want to let her go. Those are her words. But the complaints become more frequent and more annoying.
That is a massive red flag alert. Now, theoretically, I could compliment you. The truth is most “friendships” will fizzle out and many people don’t stay friends with their ex. Usually, there’s still chemistry left, in which case staying friends with an ex is not good for any new relationship but it fades as you find someone new. Or, usually, you just lose touch because the chemistry was already gone and the breakup was without drama. And in very rare cases, you stay in touch long-term because you’re genuine friends after a breakup.
Real true friendships with an ex girlfriend after a breakup are pretty rare, so when it happens it’s invaluable. But you have to be careful in a scenario like this. If you’d just be real friends, I would say, sure that is fine on a moral level. But on a practical level for relationship happiness, what she’s doing would never be fine.
You should never come running for support to someone else when you have problems in your relationship. Talking to one of your friends for their opinion on the situation will always just add fuel to the fire, or worse, when it’s with a person where there could be physical attraction, it could be an opportunity to cheat emotionally.
What started out innocent of the two of you keeping in touch as casual friends can quickly turn into an unethical act of infidelity. This is clearly what she is doing because she considers herself single although she’s still actively dating this guy — although it seems to be on and off between them. She’s already actively entertaining the idea of stringing her current boyfriend along. The warning signals are blasting louder than the warning trumpets of the Ancient Romans!
Isn’t it convenient that she’s now talking to you about her problems with her boyfriend? As soon as there’s trouble in paradise, she’s off running to someone else for support. A good woman, or man for that matter, would try to strengthen the support they get from their partner. But a mediocre partner will always see the holes in their relationship rather than trying to patch the holes.
Getting Strung Along by a Girl: What she does to her Previous Boyfriend, She’ll DEFINITELY do to you
She would say that he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite him saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel insecure, or unattractive, or rejected, and that she already has low self-esteem and that this makes her even change the way she shows up around other people. She says she feels he’s to blame for it that they basically live like brother and sister and for her, it’s really over now, but again he won’t let her go.
Well, it sounds to me like we got a serious case of female Excuse-Itis here. Be careful, that stuff is contagious and tends to jump to the next boyfriend! It doesn’t matter whether all of these things are true. She should fix the problems or leave her partner if he makes her feel insecure, ugly, or undesirable. Everything else is an excuse. Choosing to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy but then blaming them for your unhappiness is as idiotic as complaining that the food was too spicy at a Thai restaurant where you ordered a very spicy dish despite being spice-intolerant. It’s so stupid, nobody would ever think to act like that. Oh wait, nevermind…
Anyway, the point is, sometimes the problem is you, and a healthy individual will move on to greener pastures rather than complain to someone else. When she’s saying that her boyfriend won’t let her go, what she really means is that this guy loves her and doesn’t want to live without her, but she doesn’t care enough about him to leave him — she doesn’t care that she’s slowly ripping out his heart. Nor does she care enough about him to fix the relationship. She’s only still dating her current boyfriend out of convenience.
Guess what? Just like the woman who ordered spicy food but then supposedly had life-threatening issues affecting her vocal cords, it seems her vocal cords also don’t work properly! If she can’t communicate with the guy how to have a healthier relationship then she should leave him instead of blaming all her problems on him but still giving him the false hope that they have a future together.
This woman will never be good for you. Her love is a one-way street that she only wants to be facing in her direction. She’s not willing to give back to her partner.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
If a woman you’re interested in is mistreating her current boyfriend, she’ll do the same thing to you when she’s not happy with you. Can a woman change her bad behavior patterns? Of course. Massive amounts of pain and disappointment can lead to massive growth. A good person feels pain when they let their emotions tempt them into doing bad things. But that is not universally true. Especially for a woman when less is at stake. A woman can easily find a new man — at least in her 20s and to some extent in her 30s. This is why a rude awakening that she needs to change herself will often only follow by the time that she’s already no longer considered attractive.
That’s the reason why I secretly love it when I see young men get their hearts broken or mess up themselves. A man who has to confront his demons in his 20s will often become a force of nature if he accepts that he can do better. You don’t always meet the right woman for you in your first or second relationship. These women always teach you a lesson about what you truly want in your relationships. It’s better to stay single and develop yourself after you have dated a woman who didn’t have all the qualities of a good woman & wife. Your ex-girlfriend doesn’t want to look in the mirror and become a better girlfriend. All she wants is a good boyfriend.
She plays a big part in the fact that she’s still talking to her old boyfriend, or that she’s still dating him. At the very least she is keeping him hooked on her so she doesn’t have to commit to fully letting go of him. Did the guy make her unhappy and so on? That could be. Or maybe, it’s really her, not him. Either way, she is not a good woman to even think about dating in the future.
Is she Leading you on: Her Non-Commital Behaviors are Signs she is just USING you for Attention
She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. That they argue a lot. She breaks up again, but he ignores it and then keeps acting as if they’re still together. She starts flirting with me and hinting at us getting back together but the moment I engage and propose to meet, she disappears for a bit and a few weeks later she is back with him.
This is double toxic behavior. For one, they keep on breaking up and that’s anything but healthy. Independent of who would be at fault — and in this case it definitely looks like it’s her fault — if you know that the woman you’re interested in has a messy dating history, stay away from her. No relationship is perfect. Most breakups do in fact end with a lot of drama. But that doesn’t mean that every relationship is more bad than good. If her relationships are filled with drama, run as fast as a feminist throws all her talks of gender equality out of the window when it doesn’t serve her desire for power. If you react even half as fast, believe me, you will be fine.
Secondly, the fact that she is flirting with you while she’s still with one foot in another relationship is a gigantic red flag. Technically, there are three toxic behaviors because she also keeps on leading you on and pulling away from you whenever it serves her. You can see that she is non-commital with you and the other guy. Never date a woman with commitment issues — these are the worst of the worst.
A woman who can’t commit to any man will only commit to the attention she receives for a short time and then she will shift her focus. Because real commitment is a sacrifice and investment — it’s not a short-term pleasure. A great woman without commitment issues will invest time into a man even when she is not fully certain about him yet because she knows that the return on investment will be huge if her man ends up being great husband material. Never date a woman who can’t keep her attention focused on you.
Will a woman who’s already done with a relationship sometimes talk with a guy that she’s already been eyeing as a suitable new partner? Sure. Sometimes, maybe, I wouldn’t even say it’s 100% bad behavior. Not every woman who moves on quickly is consciously monkey-branching and ready to throw a man into the trash can. But she is definitely not that type of woman. This is a pattern that she keeps on repeating. She isn’t confused at all about her relationship with the other guy. She’s playing him to her heart’s content.
Now, of course, we can’t ignore the part that says that her ex is not accepting the end of the relationship but in my book that is nonsense. If they had already broken up before, then it shouldn’t be hard for her to draw a line in the sand and stay determined to stay broken up. Perhaps the guy really is acting in such a way. Maybe he is a weak beta male who can’t cope with the entire situation and he’s trying anything to hold on to a woman that he deeply loves while she doesn’t care about him. But in the end, she is the one who enables him to be with her.
She’s a User: When a Woman Leads you on she’ll ALWAYS Find a Reason why she CAN’T be with you
This repeated two more times during the next year. So she would say that she’s single again, that for her it’s really over and no matter how hard he tries she wouldn’t want to get back with him. And then she’d hint at us going somewhere for a weekend of fun and possibly more. And then in the moment when plans would get concrete she ends up acting distant and the next thing she’d be back with him again.
Then she said the last time, she really broke up. She said that ‘this time it was for real’ and that she actually installed dating apps again and she also wanted to see me and we got pretty far into planning a weekend trip somewhere but then the talks about her ex started again. He apparently still has the keys to her house and sometimes drops by to take care of the dog that they have or had together.
At this point I feel like giving up with her. I really tried but she always goes back to that guy. But she tells me her reasons why she can’t end the relationship properly and they sound somewhat reasonable to me.
It doesn’t matter how reasonable her reasons are for staying with the guy. She can’t keep on having her cake and eat it too. I totally understand that letting go of a person who means a lot to you is difficult. It’s usually women who break up with men, so maybe especially the younger viewers on here haven’t gone through this yet but let me tell you this from my own perspective:
I used to be a very codependent and insecure man until I was 27 years old, which was the point when I had a very painful breakup and went on a personal growth journey that led me to where I am right now with this channel. Up to that point, I was never able to say no to women when I dated them. Breaking up with a woman was something I would always delay or hold off unless the relationship was incredibly toxic. This was not a healthy relationship habit.
You don’t do yourself any favors as a man to stick around with a woman who doesn’t make you happy. It’s better to end a relationship rather sooner than later. And that’s something that I had to learn. It’s hard to let go of a woman that you invested a lot of time and energy into. It isn’t easy to end a relationship with a woman even if it isn’t perfect. Of course, a woman has to struggle with the same difficulties. Sometimes we hold onto a relationship simply because it feels comfortable. But she can’t have two good things at the same time. Either she has you, or she has the other guy.
In the end, her behavior is one enormous excuse. She’s making excuses to
- Not to fix the relationship problems with the guy
- Not break up with the guy
- Not to go on a date with you
- Not to hold her own behaviors to higher standards
A woman who makes excuses uses — and the one she uses always loses. A woman who uses a man will always find an excuse to not give him what he wants. She will always find a reason to not give you attention. And sometimes she will find reasons to not give attention to the other guy. And so a user-woman shifts her attention back and forth from one guy to the other but the attention never stays in one place.
She had the choice to date you more than once but nothing happened. Now it’s time to move on. It’s fine if a woman flakes on you or doesn’t commit to you once. Sometimes she got a mess going on in her life, sometimes it’s you. Timing isn’t always perfect. Maybe she is currently rebounding and still not over another guy. And sometimes your behavior turned her off. Fair enough so. You give it one more try if something got between the two of you. And after that, if you get the same result, you go your own way and date someone else.
Being Used by a Woman: Does she Like you or is she Stringing you Along and you’re JUST a Convenience?
She says ‘you know he brought her flowers, he’s always kind and he gave her a ride to the airport, which was actually handy’. And she says that his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it because she feels that she can’t be rude to him after all he did for her.
Then she says that she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again because like always he just keeps acting like they are still together, still calling her babe. Then she says, he asked her if he could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house and that she feels like she can’t refuse it because he still pays a part of her rent.
Needless to say, our plans went nowhere and two weeks later she was back with him saying that she wants to give it another chance to him because he has always been there for her.
Ok, let me strawman her point of view and say that her reasons for getting back with him are correct. Maybe he can’t let go. Maybe she doesn’t want to let go because he is a “nice guy” overall and she appreciates him a lot. Well, we can see that he seems to be a man with some issues.
Why would you want to be with a woman who has low standards and chooses a mediocre man over you? To gain the respect of a woman, you always have to begin by respecting yourself. Have high expectations of yourself, then you’ll naturally have higher expectations of other women. And then, a woman with high expectations who meets your expectations will come along. That is the magic of a high value man — male excellence attracts female excellence. Even if I would ignore all the red flags, in the end, she is choosing a bad life and a bad relationship habit. She’s a low-value woman that you should avoid even in the best-case strawman scenario.
But on top of that, she said it herself that being with the guy is handy. It’s comfortable for her. The dude even pays her rent. Sounds like a weak man to me. Do you want to be weak like that guy that she’s dating? No, of course not. So don’t act in a similar fashion.
And I don’t care if the other guy keeps on acting like they are still together. Maybe she is codependent. Maybe she doesn’t know how to say no to him. It could be the case but the bottom line is that she appreciates what she’s getting more than what she thinks she would gain from being on her own. Isn’t it convenient that he still pays her rent and does favors for her? She’s getting the same convenience from you. Don’t ever date a woman who only gives you attention because she wants to gain convenience by staying in touch with you.
She is only telling you what you want to hear so you don’t get tired of the situation and completely walk away from the situation. A healthy woman would want to have the freedom to move on with her life. But she just wants the freedom to jump from one convenience to another — what a massive red flag. You need to “dump her”, as in:
Walk away from this and never look back. You gave it a shot. I know you had a long history and this could have worked in some scenarios to get back with a long-term ex girlfriend but only if there’s a real investment.
Her Reasons DON’T Matter: When she Still Talks to her Ex Boyfriend she’s ONLY Leading you on for Attention
What’s going on here? Is she in an relationship with a possessive boyfriend who is too persistent? Is she just playing me. You know, she would tell me she’s single one day and then she post pictures of her sitting on his lap smiling the next week on social media.
Where do you draw the line between someone not being able to get away from a bad situation or if she deep down doesn’t really want it to end at what point do you say she really wants to end it, why doesn’t she just shut him off? Do you think the guy is too possessive and she’s a bit afraid to get away form him? Maybe he is controlling or trying to manipulate her by paying rent so she can’t be mean to him?
Are they stuck in some co-dependent cycle? I’m stuck between feeling angry at her for not knowing what she wants and at the same time I have empathy that she might be very confused and actually wants to get out of the situation but doesn’t know how. I’m not pursuing a relationship with her or trying to force myself back in her life. It would be nice to date her but right now it looks like it’s not in the cards. What to make of this?
She is definitely playing you. Generally speaking, in most cases, when a woman that you’re talking to is still in touch with her ex, she’s almost always leading you on. Now, of course, the degree to which she’s in touch with an ex matters, but in the end, it’s usually a means to keep the doors open in case a backup plan is needed. Because let’s face it: If you’d be compatible with an ex, you wouldn’t need to stay in touch. You’d simply get back together and live happily ever after.
In the end, it doesn’t matter if that guy is too possessive, or if she’s codependent, or who knows what specific mixture of bad behavior habits they both have that create a cocktail of toxicity. She’s choosing to not make a change in her life, so, it’s time for you to make a change in your life.
I know you said you’re not actively pursuing her a lot, but you’re just going back and forth in a cycle of disappointments. Even if you only try to go out with her when she makes a bit of an effort, in the end, she’s never committing to anything. You need to have a clear boundary and draw a line when you’re being treated like a second-class citizen by a woman. And the best way to draw that line is to start dating someone who actually appreciates you. Stop wasting your energy on her. Even if trying to go out with her is relatively low effort, there’s just zero interest from her to end her thing for good and date you. She’s completely making a fool out of both of you. Don’t let a woman make a fool out of you.
The best way to teach a woman a lesson that her underappreciative behaviors are awful is to walk away and never look back. That hurts her ego. It’ll bring a rude awakening. I’m not saying that you should be out to get back at her or hurt her intentionally. But some women need to be taught an important life lesson that they’ll never forget.
The way she is acting is disrespectful. You two had been a couple about 5 years ago. You probably didn’t even care about her until she started talking to you again. It’s natural that this got your hopes up that maybe you could give everything another try. It’s a good idea to never get your hopes up with an ex-girlfriend because you never know if it will work out. When an ex comes back, don’t pause your life for her or wait and see what’s going to happen. You keep moving forward even if an ex is seemingly interested again. If an ex girlfriend is interested enough, she’s going to pursue you, otherwise, she will disappear again.
My feeling is that she is massively leading you on. She likes the attention. And she is a user who tends to string along the men that she’s dating or has been dating. Just because you are only seeing this pattern now after so many years doesn’t mean that her behavior is just a “heat of the moment” exception. When a woman shows you clearly what a terrible woman she is, take it at face value and don’t try to find reasons why she’s actually a good woman. Find a great woman who only shows you what an incredible woman she is and who would never juggle two men like this. Walk away and don’t even engage with her again when she wants to go on a date or even just flirts with you. This is pointless.
Instead, go on dates with other women. A great woman who adores you will never come up with excuses why she can’t see you. And if she still had some guy going on, she will move on from that guy in a heartbeat. Because she’ll enjoy the quality time with you. She’ll have so much fun with you and she’ll bombard you with affection. Go on and find that type of woman and never look back. Believe me, 2 years from now you will be laughing at how you ever thought that it was a good idea to try and date her again.