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Passive Man DILEMMA — Why do Nice Guys Always Get HURT?

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video we’re going to talk about getting rejected and being too much of a nice guy. So in my take, with women, you have to be a little bit aggressive. Not too aggressive. Don’t be a dick. But you got to escalate with women. And sometimes you also got to make sure that you don’t try to please the woman. If you’re too nice, if you’re trying to do certain things for her where she can tell that you’re trying to be a little bit too nice, you’re going out of your way to please her and show her that you really like her. It’s going to turn her off. So I got a situation from a guy who was basically dealing with this problem. He keeps getting rejected and he wants to know what is actually going on. He thinks he’s a decent guy and, well, being a decent guy doesn’t necessarily mean something. So let’s see what is my advice.

The Downside Of Being A Nice Guy: Women Always Reject The Nice Guy

Hey Coach, I need your advice with girls. I keep getting rejected or ignored by girls. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong because I’m seriously not a bad dude. I may not be the most attractive guy on the planet, but I’m not born ugly either. I would say that I’m your average-looking dude. Perhaps a little bit better than average-looking, but I’m really not trying to brag. Just saying that I look OK. But unfortunately, I’m just not as successful with girls. I rarely make it to the first date and I don’t know why that is.

Well, so I actually believe you that you’re not looking too bad or too poorly because otherwise you wouldn’t be matching with girls on dating apps. If you’re absolutely unattractive, no one will swipe you right. And maybe someone who has no confidence whatsoever, she might right-swipe you. But if it’s a woman who is, let’s say a five out of ten, she’s not going to right-swipe on a guy that she doesn’t find at least to some extent attractive. And even if a woman is maybe, let’s say an eight out of ten, it can sometimes happen that she will right-swipe you because she likes your profile or a certain picture. Of course, the hotter you are, the higher your chances are with a hot woman. But the bottom line is if she doesn’t find you on some level attractive, she won’t right-swipe you. So there’s something else going on here. So first of all, I notice here that you say… What did you say? “I’m not a bad dude.” Well, most guys are not bad dudes. This is actually one of the biggest fallacy or problems that nice guys have. That they think, “Hey, I’m actually pretty good. So, I’m so much better than other guys. And look at all of these great qualities that I have.

And I’m sure you have a lot of great qualities. And I’m sure you’re a good dude. That’s why you’re asking me for advice. You want to know what can you do better? You’re not some ignorant dumb fuck who is basically just completely unaware of what an asshole he is. And you want to learn. So you are a good dude, obviously. You want to get better. You want to improve yourself. That’s great. But also sometimes you need to be bad.

Being A Nice Guy Is Overrated: Nice Guys Are Everywhere, Bad Boys Are Rare

Like I said, many guys are good dudes. If you walk across the street or if you’re in a city and you meet a lot of men, just the same way like if you would meet a lot of women if you’re doing like an eye contact exercise, for example, you’re going to run into so many great women who are actually into you, who are attractive, who will never break your heart if you treat them right, obviously.

Likewise, if you walk across the street and you see a lot of guys, let’s say, you walk in a city for 30 minutes, you will have passed hundreds of guys and I can guarantee you probably about 70 percent of those guys are pretty decent guys. They’re not bad dudes. Like you said, you’re not a bad dude. They’re not bad dudes. So that by itself doesn’t mean that you’re a catch. You have to be exceptional as a guy. And I don’t mean that you have to be exceptionally nice. You have to be exceptional in your career, the work that you do and how you show up in your social circle, work out your passions, your purpose, the things that are interesting about you. And sometimes you got to have some confidence to also sometimes be a bad guy. And with that, I don’t mean that you have to be an asshole and treat a woman badly, but it just shows that you basically don’t want to be afraid of saying what you think. You aren’t afraid to sometimes say something that might actually hurt the woman that you’re talking to or might at least not please her. You don’t want to actively obviously hurt the woman.

That again would be a truly bad dude. But it’s just about staying true to your purpose, staying true to who you are. And sometimes you’re going to say some harsh stuff that might offend a woman or it might throw her off balance and she will not expect it, but she will respect you more for it later on. Because later on, she can tell that you’re true to what you’re thinking internally. Your moral compass internally is exactly the same thing that you show on the outside. And that’s very attractive to a woman. So it’s not necessarily about being a bad dude. It’s just about being… Maybe you could say fucking badass. You got to just stay true to your guns and stay true to what you believe. And if you do that, a woman will be really attracted to you. Now, let’s continue what you say.

Dealing With Rejection From Women: Accept That Women Reject And Flake On Men All The Time

I feel like often I have great conversations with girls and the conversations are pretty normal. And then all of a sudden I get ghosted, get no responses, or what sucks the most. I get unmatched on dating apps out of nowhere, even though I didn’t even say or do anything bad. I can’t seem to figure out why women act like that toward me. I don’t get what is wrong with girls. Why do they match with you and then they will unmatch you for no reason? It’s like they only look for some short attention and then they only have the attention span of a goldfish when it comes to talking to guys. Like, for example, the last girl that I matched with was really interested in me because I play guitar. She liked acoustic music and we’ve bonded well over music. I even suggested that I would play one of her favorite songs for her. But after a while, the attraction died down again and she unmatched me.

Okay, so there are many things to unpack here. First of all, you got to get used to the fact that some girls are going to ghost you. You’re sometimes not going to get a response or sometimes yes, they’re going to unmatch you. Yesterday, one of my friends sent me a text message. He’s currently in Amsterdam and he was about to meet up with a girl and he thought that he’s going to basically get laid. And then he sent me a message saying: “What are the odds? How often does this happen to guys that a girl says ‘I’m having my period cramps?!’…” So he was planning to meet up with her. He was in town for like a day or two and, passing by and he thought that he’s going to get some pussy. And she made it sound like she’s going to be excited to meet up with him. And then she got the period cramps. What a coincidence, right?! It happens all the time!

He messaged me “Dude, like every guy knows that, right? Every guy knows the flake, the bullshit excuses. When a woman doesn’t want to meet up with you.” It happens to every guy. It happens all the time. You can be very attractive and a woman will still sometimes ghost you or she will sometimes unmatch you. And well, you said this yourself, right? They seem to have a short attention span. You said the attention span of a goldfish. Well, I might say more maybe attention span of a baby kitten who just can only pay attention to something for two minutes or not even two minutes, maybe one minute. Women are kind of like cats in a sense, actually. That’s probably a line from Corey Wayne. He said that sometimes before, but whatever. I’m going to steal this line right now. Women are kind of like cats with their attention span as well. So, women have so many things that they have to pay attention to. And with that, I mean: Guys!

Nice Guy VS Bad Boy: Nice Guys Wait For Women To Make A Move, Bad Boys Make A Move On Women

So if you have a woman and she’s very attractive, she’s going to have a guy and then she turns around, man, there’s another guy! And I hate to say it, but nowadays there’s also a lot of problems with social media & dating apps. I mean, just go on TikTok or something like that, or trying to make it on YouTube or on TikTok, and so on, as a creator. You have to grab people’s attention so quickly because people have no more attention spans. Basically, what would have worked, let’s say, like five years ago does not work anymore. If you’re very boring, it’s not going to work out for you. So you got to be very entertaining or people will just lose interest. That’s just how the generations these days work. I’m a little bit of an older generation. I’m now 33, and not that old yet, but even me, right? I grew up differently than maybe a lot of you who are watching, who are like 25, first year 22, but I also adapted to that same crazy hustle and bustle. I actually make an effort to consciously get out of all of that craze with social media and so on to kind of detach from all of that because it kind of fucks us up.

But anyways, it’s kind of how women nowadays work. They are just like cats. They have no attention span, and you just got to accept that sometimes, you’re going to have a great conversation with a woman and, you think it’s great and bam! She’s gone! Maybe there’s another guy in the picture. Maybe not. Maybe you turned her off. And that’s the next thing that I actually want to talk about! Now, you said, you got unmatched by this girl or you got unmatched every now and then. So, most of the times, if a girl unmatches you or ghosts you, well, the reality is you were not interesting enough for her. Yes, there was another guy in the picture. And yes, she has no attention span, but ultimately, she got bored for some reason and it wasn’t entertaining for her. And you got to escalate with a woman! If you don’t escalate, if you don’t go out on a date quickly, then she’s going to get bored really fast. Like, for example, right now, I’m about to move to another city in six days or something like that. And so I started swiping in that city and I matched with a really interesting girl, a musician, actually. And that’s pretty cool because I want to go there actually to meet the musicians there, so it’s like the perfect match. And she already suggested to meet up.

So I got to use the chance to meet up ASAP. So actually the fact that I matched with her before I’m even in the city, it’s kind of a problem, but, I can manage. I will hit her up when I get there. So, basically, it’s like a two weeks window between us meeting up roughly, probably, still need to get a bike, and stuff, and need to sort things out. And that’s kind of already pretty tight with women. You want to be really quick. You want to just invite her out really fast! Like you said: Attention span! If you don’t ask her out, if you don’t entertain her, she doesn’t know you so much yet. She’s not really into you that much yet. She is just testing the waters. And if it doesn’t excite her, she’s going to unmatch you or she’s going to ghost you. And here’s the last thing that I want to mention. So you said that… You’re kind of a nice guy here, I can tell. You said that you got along well. Let me just read this again.

Good Guys Always Get Hurt: Girls Never Date Nice Guys Because They Are Approval-Seeking Beta Males

She liked acoustic music and we’ve bonded well over music. I even suggested that I would play one of her favorite songs for her. But after a while, the attraction died down again and she unmatched me.

So that’s basically attention-seeking behavior, or approval-seeking behavior. Like “Oh, really, you like that song? Hey, I can play it for you!” Hey, I’m guessing that you don’t know how to play that song. OK, maybe you know how to play the song, but on average, I would suggest it. if she has a certain favorite song, like e. g. me… If I played the guitar, if some random girl would tell me her favorite song… I probably wouldn’t know how to play the song. Now, of course, you can learn to play it pretty quickly. But most likely you don’t know how to play the song and you’re just thinking about, “OK, I’m going to quickly learn how to play it. I’ll check out the chords. I’ll check it out. I’ll check out the finger pattern, fingerpicking pattern, fingering pattern.” And you think that if you figure out the right fingering pattern, then you can finger her. But that’s not how it works. You’re trying to go too far here. You want to try to be a little bit too nice to her. You don’t have to be that nice to her! It’s OK to sometimes, in quotes, to try to hurt a woman.

What I mean with that is you don’t have to say, “Hey, I’m going to play that song for you.” It’s just like, “Oh, no, I don’t know how to play that song. Sorry. But, if I ever learned it in the future, I can play it for you.” Or you wouldn’t mention that at all. You just say, “Hey, I like that artist, but I’ve never played a song from him. Maybe in the future I can play it.” And then when you go on a date at some point, you’re hanging out with her, you’re having a good time. She really enjoys hanging out with you. She’s maybe already really turned on, very attractive. Maybe you’re playing the guitar. And then she asks you, can you play that song? That’s when she’s going to get turned on.

Actually, I had something like this happen to me a long time ago. There’s this really great girl that I met in the Philippines and we met randomly, very randomly, and then we were hanging out in the same place and I was playing guitar and she noticed that I was playing Filipino songs and she loves Filipino songs. And there’s this one of the very classic love song. In the Philippines considered one of the most classic romantic love songs. And it’s very iconic. It’s a really great song! It’s easy to play, really fun. The lyrics are great. So I knew roughly how to play the song. I wasn’t perfect at it, but I’ve played it a few times. So then because I knew the song and she asked me about it, I played it. And you can guess what happened. The girl fell for me because that was sexy. But I wasn’t like trying to poke… “Hey, what is your favorite song? I’m going to play it for you!” I wasn’t desperate to play her favorite song. If I wouldn’t have known her favorite song, then I just wouldn’t have played it for her. And that’s would have been it. Maybe, who knows, at some point in the future, when we would have been a couple, I probably would have played it for her. But you don’t have to go out of your way.

Like, dude, it’s awesome to learn certain songs, right? Some songs are not that easy. And if you like a challenge, sure, it’s kind of fun! But you’re basically trying to be a little bit too nice here. And you think that “If only I play her favorite song, if I got that one quality song, that awesome musician knows how to play that song, then she’s going to dig me and she’s going to want to talk to me. She’s going to want to have sex with me. She’s going to want to have a date with me. She’s going to want to come home with me.” And you think that’s how you’re going to win her over. No, sometimes you got to be a bad dude and just reject what they want from you. It’s not like you’re being an asshole by saying I don’t know how to play that song or by just not playing it for her. There’s many reasons why you wouldn’t do that. Just don’t go out of your way to please a woman. Basically, that’s all that I have to say. And you can take this even further. I mean, this was a small request. If you know to play the song, then it’s not a big deal, I suppose. But if you wouldn’t know to play the song, it’s another thing. But think, for example, if it’s about playing a song.

So maybe it’s something completely unrelated. It’s really hard. It’s kind of inconvenient for you to do. And you would agree to that. Imagine if you would go out of your way to do something for her that is just not that easy. That would be super approval-seeking and it will definitely turn off! And that’s probably why, like you said, the attraction eventually died down because you were coming off as too strong. You were trying to propose to do something for her where it wasn’t really making sense yet because you barely met. So that musician that I met with recently, I’m actually going to watch her play. But she actually did the same thing. She asked me, she said, “Hey, what are your favorite songs? I can play it for you!” Look, she’s a woman. I don’t care. You know, women are sweet. But as a guy, you can’t do that. She asked me, what are my favorite bands? And I said, no, no, chill. Just play whatever you want. And I don’t need that from her. Like, if she does it in the future, I will appreciate it. But as a guy, never try to give a woman too much approval because she’s going to get turned off really quickly. The dynamics are just very different. And so, you’ve got to be careful with that. Now, let’s see how you wrap it up.

Spontaneous Dating App Rejection: When A Girl Unmatched You On Tinder Out Of The Blue

I could already feel like something was off when she didn’t reply to my last message. And then two days later, her profile was gone. It just sucks. It’s not fair, to be honest. We had a great conversation and then she just runs off like it was nothing. What drives a girl to do something like that? Like I said, I don’t know what it was.

You probably were too boring. It could also be something else. But the problem is, dating is not fair. I see this all the time in red pill communities that guys are bitching about stuff. Like, I always find it really ironic when people in the red pill community think “We strong! We alpha!” But then they bitch all the time and whine like little fucking babies. Like, shut the fuck up, you fucking pussy. Dude, women will unmatch you. Women will not pay attention to you. They will fuck some other guy. That’s fucking life. Shut the fuck up and start dating the next woman. And that’s as simple as it is. Life is not fucking fair. Everything is a competition in life, including with women. Sometimes you don’t win with women. Sometimes you don’t get the job. Sometimes you don’t win the shark tank competition. Like, shut the fuck up and get back to work. I’m sorry to be so rude, man, but that’s just how life works, in my opinion. And if you’re looking for fairness in dating, then yeah, you’re going to become one of those red pill pussies who are just whining all the time. I’m not saying that red pillers don’t have a lot of truth in what they say, but sometimes they’re just really acting like 15-year-old little boys who haven’t been breastfed enough by their mom and like, come on, man, shut the fuck up and just deal with hardships in life and move forward. It’s not that hard!

The Art Of Seducing A Woman VS Talking To A Woman: Do Girls Prefer Fuck Boys Or Nice Guys?

As I said, I’m a decent guy. I did not say anything disrespectful, just normal down-to-earth conversations about stuff like music, shared interest, et cetera. But despite the good chemistry, I get rejected or ignored in some way. I don’t understand why girls don’t want to get to know me better after we have a good conversation already. And it seems that we have a lot of things in common. Can you tell me how I avoid getting rejected by girls? Thanks!

First of all, you can’t avoid getting rejected by girls. But the problem is, then, if you say you have down to earth conversations, right? Good stuff, shared interests. You’ve got conversations. Well, yes, you have to have a good conversation with woman. But you also sometimes got to be bad, for example, with the girl that I matched with, she made like a joke and I’m not sure if she was flirting with me or not, but she basically said that she’s small, SMOL. S-M-O-L You know, like how you would say a kitten is small, and SMOL. And then she said she’s “SMOL enak“. Enak means delicious, I guess you could say, in Indonesian. I’m not sure if she was implying what I was thinking. I think she meant something else, but I thought about something else. I thought she’s small, but delicious. And so, I was basically picking off of it and saying, “Oh? So you’re small and delicious? Interesting! Well, let’s see about that!

So basically flirting with her and being a little bit sexual, it’s a little bit of sexual innuendo and you got to be a little bit bad in your conversations. There has to be a little bit more than just good chemistry and getting along or listening to the same music. You also got to escalate. So, I already set the boundaries or I set the ground rules in that conversation. I already told her, OK, I like to flirt. I like to escalate. So she knows what to expect. I’m not your 100% nice guy. If we meet up, it’s probably not as common in Yogyakarta in that area to hook up or to have a boyfriend relatively quickly. But she kind of knows, OK, I’m not your average Indonesian guy. I’m a little bit more straightforward and I go for what I want and I’m not afraid to flirt. And I will respect her boundaries and everything, which is probably a little bit more conservative living there. But you get the point. I say what I want and I will relatively aggressively push for it. So I’m setting some ground rules here and she knows what to expect. It’s entertaining. It’s attractive. It’s confident. It’s kind of sexy. And you’re probably not doing this. You’re not escalating. So if you don’t escalate and you just have good conversations, I mean, down-to-earth conversations.

What the fuck does that mean?! That’s kind of… It sounds like it’s really boring, to be honest. It sounds like all of these cities here in Ubud, where I am right now, where they are talking about they’re down to earth and they’re listening to the chakras and they’re putting their feet in the ground or whatever. Like, yeah, I have no problem with nature and all that stuff. Actually, that’s why I tend to live by the beach, for example. But, certain things are just like, okay, they’re just kind of weird. You’re not down to earth. You’re not that special. You’re just kind of weird. Don’t tap yourself. Don’t pat yourself. Pat, pat, pat, pat, tap, whatever. Don’t tap yourself on the shoulder because you think that you’re so down to earth and you’re such a cool dude, and that you’re so special because you’re not a bad guy! You don’t get an award for being average, or being decent. I mean, that’s a standard thing. If you’re not a decent person, if you’re not a decent guy, well, that just makes you a fucking asshole. And like I said, most guys are decent, but it’s about having the balance between being decent, being a nice guy that can be a relationship material for the long term, but also sometimes being not too afraid to “hurt” the girl, or say something that might, trigger her. Like, for example, flirting about her being delicious.

Some girls would get pissed off by this because they are either conservative or they think you’re a sexist or whatever. Depending on where you live, there’s different reasons why a girl might get offended by something like this or triggered by this or like I recently got unmatched by a girl because I made a sex joke, a programming sex joke, and she didn’t like it, apparently, and she unmatched me. It’s like, yeah, whatever, man. Not everyone is going to like it. But it’s better to escalate a little bit so that you know that she actually likes you taking charge and if she doesn’t like a man to take charge and sometimes also do a little bit something risky, that’s not the right one for you, because as a man, you should always take some risks. You should have to take… Smart, calculated risks, of course. I’m not telling you to be completely an idiot and throw your life away. That’s not what I’m saying. But as a man, you should take risks. Be smart about the risks that you take and sometimes go the extra mile to get what you want in life. And if a woman doesn’t appreciate that about you, including sexual jokes and stuff like that, and escalation while flirting or while hooking up, or hooking up, or wanting her to take home with you, or making out and escalating how much you’re making out. If she doesn’t appreciate these things, then she’s probably not the right woman for you. Again, there’s nothing wrong… Nothing against conservative women who need to take their time a little bit. That’s all cool. I have no problem with that, but she needs to respect you. If she doesn’t do that, then it’s not going to work out. So that’s all my advice for you that I have for you. Let me know in the comments if you think, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.

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