Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about dating a single mom or a woman who is older than you. Is it a good idea? Is there like a threshold where you can say, yeah, you can do that or not? Without spoiling too much, single moms, typically, never date them.
Cons Of Dating Older Women: Is Dating Older Women Worth It?
But for older women, it might depend a little bit. Maybe she’s two years older than you. That might be fine. But it also depends on your age. For example, if you’re 24 and she’s 26, that might work. Although then there are different dangers such as she might want to date someone who’s 32 and as soon as the relationship doesn’t work out, she will dump you. Likewise, if you are, let’s say, 33 and she’s 35, she’s starting to look a little bit old and you could easily date a woman who’s 27. So you got to be a little bit careful with that one.
But of course, it depends a little bit on where you live. Like, for example, I live in Asia. I used to live in the Philippines. Now I live in Indonesia. Thailand. My friend lives in Thailand. It’s the same. Asian women, Southeast Asian women look extremely young. You can find a woman who’s 40 years old and she looks like 25. You can even find a woman who is 50 or 55 years old. And maybe she looks like she’s 35, maybe even 30. And when you find out what her real age is, you’re like, what the actual fuck? That’s one of the nice things about living in Southeast Asia, actually. But obviously, if you, for example, live in Germany, where I am from, or maybe USA, where a lot of you are from, women will look old pretty soon, right? If you date a woman in her maybe, at 35, let’s say you are 28. And or let’s say let’s say you’re 30 and you’re dating a woman who’s 33 or you want to date a woman who’s 33. If Caucasian, she will look pretty old already. Actually, you can see her wrinkles. You can see that she’s starting to age. With black women, I don’t know. I’ve never really dated black women. But my understanding when I look on dating apps is they also look quite young, even as they get older.
So you’re going to also consider, obviously, how do they age? It’s just very important for us, guys. And if you say that’s not true or it’s shallow, I’m a shallow asshole or whatever. Yeah, fine. Whatever. I will gladly always date a woman who looks amazing and who I find attractive, because if you don’t find her attractive, you won’t be happy with her. That’s just a fact of life. And yes, of course, as you get older, she will lose that attractiveness. And you want to be with a woman who makes you happy with her character and her charisma, and the way that you get along. But that develops over time. If you are married for 20 years, you’re going to understandably be OK with her starting to look old. But in the beginning, you should always date a woman that you find attractive. All right. So with that said, let’s go into the situation of a guy who is dating a single mom and I think she’s also older than him. So let’s see what is my advice. Oh, and by the way, I’ve been super sick in the last three days, so I’ll probably be a little bit more straightforward with this video. Maybe I’ll be harsh with this advice. I don’t know. But you’ve asked for advice. So, hey, let’s go for it. All right. So let’s go.
Overvaluing A Single Mother: Dating A Single Mother & Idealizing Her Doesn’t Make Sense
Greetings, Coach Andy. I would love to hear your advice about the relationship that I’m in. I’m having trouble balancing my needs and the needs of my girlfriend. And it’s difficult because I love her so much and I don’t think it’s really her fault because her needs are understandable. I am 27 years old and I have now been dating Nicole for almost five months. Nicole is a single mom and she’s 29 years old. I care for her a lot because we are very aligned with our goals and desires. We both want to have a simple life in the future, live a family life with a house somewhere in a rural area, away from all the stress in the city, living the dream, basically.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but most people want that. Now, if you live in the US where all the liberals are kind of going crazy and they get upset about stuff like marriage and family life and dedicating yourself to family, maybe there are some women who are a little bit crazy, but anywhere else in the world. Everybody wants to have a family life. Everybody wants to have a simple life. Everybody. People tend to work in cities, for example. But after a while, they’re like, “I can’t stand this fucking place anymore.” It doesn’t matter whether that’s in a city in Southeast Asia, Metro Manila, Jakarta, which are horrible cities, or whether that’s in the US. Maybe you live in Boston, I think not a nice city, but San Francisco, Boston, New York, whatever cities. There are some nicer cities, obviously, but typically people want something simple as they get older. Nature, more peace and quiet, living by the beach, living where the grass is greener, living near the mountains where you have lakes and stuff like that. So that is not necessarily a criteria for choosing to date a woman. It is one criteria. But you should recognize that most women do want that.
Obviously, not all of them. But I would say probably I don’t have numbers on this. But my guess would be that 70 percent of all people eventually want something simple and want to live a simple life, because even people who are a little bit more conservative. A lot of people still party in their 20s. But then… I used to be very introverted. I wasn’t really a big party person, but even me, I partied in my 20s. But then as you get into your 30s. You’re like, I don’t want this shit. I want something simple. And there are, of course, people who will still keep on partying in their 30s and 40s. These are obviously not the kind of people that you want to date. And so you should make that your main criteria that she wants to live a simple life, so she’s wifey material. Yes, sure, she’s wifey material because of that. But there are a lot of women who want that. So don’t make that your main criteria of having good compatibility. That should be like 10 percent of the compatibility, maybe 15 percent. You get the point.
Why Dating Single Moms Is A Bad Idea: A Single Mother Will Almost Never Make You A Priority
Despite all the good moments and also, by the way, the incredibly great sex, I’m having some difficulties balancing my needs to come first and the needs of her daughter.
Now you’re biased! I’m not going to continue reading first. I said it. Women, typically when you date a single mom with the daughter, she will always get in the way. There is one woman that I hooked up with many, many years ago in Indonesia, and she is a single mom and she basically has no life. And she is always having to take care of her daughter. Now, in that case, that woman doesn’t actually want to take care of her daughter too much because she’s frankly not really a good mom. But at the end of the day, she will take care of her daughter. Raising a child is a lot of responsibility. As you know, when you have a child, you basically have to take care of them until they’re 18. Some kids are more independent as they get older and they might already get like a small paying job or something like that. They might go out of the house more often. They might develop themselves sooner. But it’s ultimately a lot of responsibility. And why would you date a woman who has that responsibility when you could easily date a woman who doesn’t have these responsibilities? And you can choose to have that responsibility, take on that responsibility together in the future.
It’s like you’re paying emotional child support to that mom. There was obviously a guy involved, otherwise, she wouldn’t get pregnant. And that guy is paying child support at the very least. He probably gets to see the daughter every now and then. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe he ran away, but most of the time that’s not the case, especially for everyone who’s watching here. You are in the US. People don’t just run away very easily here. In Asia, it’s more common that fathers just run off, basically, but not if you live in an egalitarian country where this shit gets you in a lot of trouble. So basically, you’re supposed to pay emotional child support. Her father, the father of the daughter, is basically not there for her for whatever reason. Yes, of course, there are sometimes breakups where the father wants to be there for the daughter. But overall, the daughter is living a difficult life right now. And so you are supposed to be the guy, the father or the second father who takes care of the daughter in the future, probably, if you would stick together. How is that fair? She’s not really your daughter. And there are a lot of responsibilities that you need to deal with in that case. But if ever something goes wrong, I can guarantee you, you are not the real father. Now, if you might in the future adopt, that might be a slightly different case. But even then, if you might adopt the daughter in the future, I can guarantee you if you get into trouble, if you have a breakup, if she hates you, if you cheat or something goes wrong, she will not give two fucks about the fact that you adopted the daughter.
And let’s be real: Most of you guys who might be dating a single mom, you probably will never adopt the daughter or even if you would be adopting the daughter in the future, that might be after three years, four years or five years of dating her. So in those four years, a lot of things can go wrong. And like I said, if something goes wrong, especially if you don’t have any rights to the child, I mean, she’s just going to be like, “I don’t want you in my life. And I definitely don’t want you in the life of my daughter.” This was just temporary. So you’re sort of being used as a resource. Do women 100 percent see it that way? If you would ask them, they will probably say no. And maybe that’s not 100 percent the case as well. But I mean, if you’re rational about this, there’s just not that many reasons to date a single mom when there are millions of women on the planet that are actually single and have no daughter. Sometimes when I see girls on dating apps and they’re like 25, even here in Indonesia, there are single moms and like, damn, girl, you’re 25?! It’s like why the fuck would I date you? Why are you even on the dating app? Just give up already. I’m sorry to say it, but dude, you should not take these women. Anyways, let’s continue.
Being In A Relationship With A Single Mom: When You Have No Power In The Relationship
One of the biggest challenges we face is finding time to be together. Her daughter is her top priority and rightfully so. But it often means that our plans get canceled at the last minute. For example, we will plan a romantic weekend away, but at the last minute, her daughter gets sick and she has to stay home to take care of her. I understand that her daughter comes first, especially if she gets sick. But it’s also important for me to have alone-time with her and build a relationship together. And it’s not like I can complain about that.
Well, yeah, this is actually a very common problem that the parents have. So if you look at studies that couples sometimes are less happy if they have children, but overall having children is a great idea. But if you don’t manage it well, it can actually stress you out a lot. And so that’s why couples often are seeking ways how they can find a babysitter or someone to take care of the child, like a grandma or something like that, because you need time for yourself. And it’s important because when you have a child together, you need to be a happy couple so that you can project that onto your child so that your child grows up happily and healthily. And so a lot of people don’t do that. And that’s because a lot… And that’s why a lot of kids basically end up being fucked up. And so it’s already hard enough to get this working when you are married and the child is yours and you have a clear agreement. This is both our own flesh and blood. And we want to make this work. We need our own time as a couple, but we also obviously need to take care of our child.
But like I said, again, you don’t really share any responsibility at the end of the day if her child is not yours. So if something goes wrong, she won’t find the compromise to say, “Hey, we need to make time for ourselves.” She’s always going to think “I need to make time for myself and my daughter, who I consider to be a part of myself.” You’re not part of that equation. If the daughter would be your real child, then she would say you’re my own flesh and blood, my husband or the guy that I’m dating and the child. You are a part of me. We are all one. But basically what you are is you are one. And then there’s: Plus two. So it’s never going to work out because you can’t complain about it. And as you said, if something happens like the child is sick or something like that, the plans will get canceled, just like you said. It’s just a fact of life. So again, dating a single mom is not a good idea. Now, anyway, let’s continue.
Single Moms Are Hustlers: Be With A Nurturing Woman Who Helps You Grow & Makes Time For You
It’s also challenging because her daughter has a strict bedtime, which means that we can’t stay out late on weekends like other couples. We often have to end our date nights early so we can get her daughter to bed. Now, I know I said we have the same goals, but it’s still difficult because our short-term goals in life aren’t fully aligned.
Now, I guess I’m not really going to comment on this anymore with the daughter. I’ve already given you my two cents about the fact that she has a daughter and she’s always going to prioritize the daughter. But let’s see what you say about the different life goals.
I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with my career, but she is focused on providing a stable home and future for her daughter. So to her, career is everything right now, and she works two jobs. Plus, as a small side hustler, I don’t feel very supported by her to figure out how I can launch my own business. I admire her for being such a hustler, but she’s not very nurturing. Well, not with me anyway. For her daughter, it’s another side of the coin.
You see this all the time with single moms. They are crazy hustlers. That’s why they’re single moms all the time as well, because the only thing that they can think of is providing for their family. And they’ve been messed up by some guy and they think that all guys suck. And so they always go for a career first and they will only date a guy when they’re desperate, when they feel like, “OK, I’ve been single for such a long time. I should give it a try or maybe for money.” And the thing is, you mentioned is quite clearly here. Career is everything to her, right? She’s working two jobs, plus she has a side hustle. Now, you don’t really know yet what you’re doing. And I think you were 27. She’s 29. So she’s actually even also older than you. So she really needs to have her shit figured out. She needs to make money. And so you’re 27. You don’t really know yet where to go. You’re still trying to figure something out or what to do next. Maybe you’re not making enough money or you’re not happy or whatever. So you’re struggling. And if you would be a great woman who will nurture you where she is not distracted with her daughter, she would support you. She would inspire you. She would be there for you to make your business work. She would be your biggest support system, right?
But unfortunately, you don’t really have that. Now, the problem is, imagine she’s 29 and maybe in five months from now, you’re not too happy. And then she meets some guy who is maybe 35 and he has his shit figured out. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He built a business. He is happy. He is very fit. He looks attractive. He dresses well. He has a nice car. All the things that women want. And he’s going to look very attractive. And then she’s dating a younger guy two years younger than her. And he’s still figuring things out. And chemistry is not that great or rather, she’s prioritizing the daughter already, so she’s never really committed to you 100 percent. So she’s not really in it for the long term, kind of. If you compare it to some new guy who has much more to offer, who can give her peace of mind because he’s working two jobs and has a spot to side hustle. So clearly, it sounds like you can’t really help to provide. And so she’s going to choose another guy when things don’t work out. So it’s another red flag where you shouldn’t be dating a woman like this. And I said in the beginning that I’m going to be more straightforward because I’m feeling sick and whatever. I’m just like, dude, I just think this is a big problem. It’s a big no-go red flag.
Blended Families Don’t Work: Finding Balance In Relationships With Single Moms Is Tough
I know that I need to have a better balance between my needs and the needs of my girlfriend and her daughter, but I am not sure how to do that. Can you please give me some advice on how to navigate this new relation relationship dynamic? I’ve never dated a single mom, but despite what I just mentioned, she is a wonderful woman and I can see that in her daughter as well. She’s raising a great daughter and she’s very sweet and loving when we have time to give her. I’m just trying to find a way how her and I can spend more time together without making compromises. And also, I want to find a way how we can build towards our future. What are your thoughts on the situation? Thank you, Tony.
I honestly don’t think that there is a way how you can make compromises here. A lot of times I’d say, yeah, this is bullshit. You know, you should just have open communication with her. But there are just too many red flags, too many problems here. Look, the problem is you don’t have your shit figured out, right? You said it yourself. You’re still trying to figure out your own thing and you’re dating this woman on the side. So either you figure out your shit first and then you date a woman. You work on your status, on your career. Then you can have any woman that you want. Or that’s also an option. You find a great nurturing woman who’s not a crazy career woman, but she’s smart. She’s intelligent. You can grow together. And even though you haven’t figured everything out, she can see the potential within you and she’s willing to help you out. She’s willing to make some sacrifices at times for you to come home a little bit later, or to work a little bit of extra, or to work on that business. And she’s going to be understanding because you’re planning to provide for the family in the future that you plan to having in the future. But that’s not the case with you. In quotes, you already have a “family.”
And so you’re going the wrong way about this. Either you date a woman who is not in that situation and you can work towards the future properly. It’s like you basically traveled forward in time. You’re dating a woman from the future in your present. You should be dating a woman in the present who is basically willing to move towards the future with you. But she’s already had a child. She’s already tried to figure out things. She already has two jobs and the side hustle. And so if you date her, you will never properly develop yourself because you can already not make time and make your needs met, so you’re stressed out. It doesn’t make you happy.
And look, you’ve been dating for five months, right? If I remember correctly, I think it was five months. Five months is absolutely nothing. If within five months your relationship doesn’t make you happy, just break it off. Seriously, if you can feel after five months there’s something severely wrong or you have to compromise my needs, whether it’s sex, time, fun, I don’t know what it is. But as soon as you have to make big compromises very early on in the relationship where everything should be relatively easy and you can tell everything is clearly a big problem in the relationship. There’s a big obstacle that is preventing you from having a happy couple dynamic. Like you said, this relationship dynamic doesn’t make you happy. Well, in that case, you should just break it off. I know this is totally not the advice that you want to hear. And I am all for having healthy relationships and making relationships work.
And there are edge cases where maybe I would say dating a single mom is OK and also, like I said, dating an older woman is OK. But this does not sound like it’s one of those edge cases at all. So what I suggest is, dude, you’re not getting what you want from this woman and you’re just making it hard on yourself. I would break it off. The only option if you don’t want to take this advice and tell her that you want to make a compromise and you want to figure out ways how you can actually make time for each other while not neglecting the needs of your daughter. I don’t know if you’ve openly mentioned this. Maybe you’re not a good communicator. You can try that, of course. And if that works for you, then that’s great. But personally, I think this is just a dangerous trap to get into. You’re already dealing with a lot of problems so early on. And I mean, just wait for the shit that’s going to happen in two years from now. So that’s my advice for you. I’m curious what you guys think about this. Dating a single mom? Yes, no. Dating an older woman? Yes, no. Give me your thoughts in the comments. Give me a thumbs up and subscribe to the channel.