Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about getting an ex back in the context if you’ve been doing no contact. And voila, she came back and you’re talking again. Maybe you’re dating again, casually dating. But she is what you would like to call stubborn. Now, I like to stay away from this term typically because I don’t think that there’s something like a stubborn ex. Well, maybe if you’re dating already, you could maybe call her stubborn. But a lot of guys think “She hasn’t reached out to me. She’s stubborn!” or, “I’ve been doing no contact for three months and still no word from her. What’s wrong with her?! Why is she so stubborn??” You can’t be entitled to getting your ex back. There’s no guarantee that you get your ex back. And even if you do all the things right, I mean, ultimately, it’s her choice.
The Slow No Contact Climb: Re-Attracting Your Ex Girlfriend Is Rarely A Straight Line
And so, you’ve got to be able to deal with that. You’ve got to live with that. And you also need to have some sanity and some clarity and some strength to be OK with the fact that it is a bit of a process. It takes time. You can’t just expect that you go on one date, or two dates, or you’ll meet her for the first time after no contact and boom, you’re back together. That’s just not how it goes. And so anyways, let’s get into the situation of a guy who screwed up quite a bit. He’s been a bit insecure, I guess you could say. And well, he did no contact after a while. Kudo for that. And his ex essentially came back or actually, I’m not sure if she came back or he came back. But basically, they’re dating again. But he thinks his ex is stubborn and he thinks, well, this is not working out. So what do I do now? So let’s see what is my advice.
Enjoy The Ex Back Process: Don’t Try To Win Your Ex Back And Act Like A Winner
Hey Coach Andy, I hope you’re doing well. I was hoping to get your take on my recent breakup and see if you have any advice on how to win my ex back because things aren’t working out as I want.
The first thing that I would say is never to think about winning an ex back. I mean, yes, you want to win the heart of your ex back, but you should not see her as a price. If you see it like if you don’t get her back, then everything is over. Winning your ex back is kind of dangerous. I’ve maybe made one or two videos with the win ex back title, perhaps. But again, I like to stay away from these, I guess you could say, hyperbolic, or clickbaity, or anxiety-inducing words. I think this is an anxiety-inducing word. Winning your ex back. You’re thinking that she’s the price. And if you don’t win her back, then everything is over. Your framing and your wording is really important because it kind of sounds a little bit obsessive. Whether your ex comes back or not, whether you get back together or not, you should see yourself as a winner. You can win with other women as well. You can win in love and you don’t need her. But if you think that only having her back is the scenario where you win in life. Basically, it’s a lost game already. It’s game over because if that’s the kind of mentality that you project to your ex, then she can feel that energy. So anyways, let’s continue.
Your Ex Needs Autonomy: Overcoming Insecurity And Possessiveness For Relationship Success
So let me give you a bit of background on why we broke up in the first place. To be honest, both of us had some flaws in the relationship. My ex was a bit distant at times needing her own time to do things like going to pedicures, getting her hair done, etc., which was a source of frustration for me. I felt that she had too many things outside of the relationship.
Well, it’s a good thing that she does her own thing a little bit. Every woman is going to get her hair done. Every woman is going to get her pedicure done. Some women are more feminine, of course. But if she takes care of herself, that’s a good thing. If she does too much out of the relationship, that’s another topic. But if she has a healthy balance between having some friends, having some good grooming habits & she takes good care of herself. She makes sure that she looks good for her boyfriend. That is actually a good thing. But imagine if you have a girlfriend and after two years, three years, four years, five years of dating, she just doesn’t look appealing anymore and she doesn’t take care of herself. You want to be with a woman who does that, actually. If you can never find her to make time for you, that’s another thing. But I’m not so sure if that happened in your case.
And we’re going to see that in your case, you were pretty insecure. And so I have a feeling that she probably was pretty well-balanced. But you were the one who was causing the problems. Maybe I don’t know the exact context here, but just my take here. It was your source of frustration. But I don’t know if you were just too frustrated over stuff that you shouldn’t be frustrated about, or if she really was a bit too extreme with how she hung out too much with friends or doing her own things. Only you can know that in the context. But if your woman spends like 25 percent of the time in total on taking care of herself and spending some time with friends, that’s important. And if you can’t see that, then there’s a problem there with you. You should do the same thing. Actually, guys tend to have less male friends and we don’t have so many hobbies or so many passions and we don’t have so much community. And that’s one of the reasons why women actually break up with us. So if you don’t cultivate your own life outside of the relationship, then you’re always going to become weak and needy in your relationship. And we’re actually going to see this. This was your case in this scenario. And so let’s see what you say.
Pissing Off Your Ex Repeatedly: When Your Ex Girlfriend Dumps You Abruptly
However, my flaws were much more severe and that was the main reason for our breakup. I had a tendency to be controlling and possessive, which put a lot of pressure on her and made her feel suffocated. I would check up on her too often, ask her where she was and who she was with, and sometimes got jealous if she spent time with her friends because I was jealous she might be with other guys. This is what led to the breakup. One time she just got frustrated when I was being too inquisitive and she just ended it very abruptly out of nowhere without any warning.
See, so you were too insecure and you’ve been worrying about small things here and there. And you say that it came out of nowhere without any warning. It didn’t come out of nowhere! Maybe there was no warning in the sense of she didn’t tell you, “Hey, you need to stop doing this.” I don’t know if she did that. It seems like she didn’t do that. But it didn’t come out of nowhere. You already knew that what you were doing wasn’t the right thing, but you kept on going anyway, right? You were jealous and didn’t like that she would spend too much time with friends. So you would sometimes ask her, “Hey, where are you? What’s going on?” Now, if she was clearly AWOL and you have no idea what the hell is going on, to an extreme level… That’s a different case. But again, I think what your ex sounds like, she was kind of reasonable, and you were just overreacting to it. And whether you were aware of it that you are doing something wrong at that point, it might be a different case. You might think or you feel anxious and you feel like, “Where is she going? What’s she doing? Is she with some other guy?”
All of these things that you’re telling yourself might be totally reasonable in the moment, but then after the breakup, you reflect a little bit, you think back maybe after a few months or weeks and you realize, why did I do this? She didn’t do anything wrong and I pushed her in that direction. So she probably felt this desire to leave for quite some time. Or at the very least, she felt like she’s not happy. And then, like you said, abruptly out of nowhere, there was something that triggered her frustration again and she just couldn’t deal with it anymore. And then she broke it off. So, it was a build up process over time. And you fucked it up. That’s just the reality. So you probably know that already at this point. But just to put it out there again, if you’re too possessive, you’re going to push a woman away. It has to be the woman who wants to come to you, even in the relationship. Now that doesn’t mean that you should always be mysterious, or not there for your girlfriend, or be too focused on your purpose to the point that she feels alone & left out.
Obviously, that’s not the right way to go. If your woman always has to chase you like crazy and has to ask for making time for her, she’s going to dump you at some point as well. She’s also going to be disappointed. But you got to have a healthy balance. Take care of your own shit. And you let her come to you and you always accept her with open arms. And you should not chase her. She will come to you. If a woman loves you, whether it’s outside of a relationship and just starting to date, or if you haven’t been talking for a long time, or you’re currently in the relationship, or you’re even married… If she truly adores you, if she truly loves you, and if she’s overall happy, she will come to you. And if you can read her signs and what she wants, then you can give her exactly what she wants. And you clearly couldn’t do that. And so she got frustrated and she left. Now, anyways, let’s continue.
When Your Ex Is Done With You: Don’t Chase Your Ex Girlfriend Or You’ll Push Her Away Even Further
After the breakup, I did a lot of needy things to try to convince her to get back together. I was constantly texting and calling her, sending her two letters. One was relatively short as a goodbye. And I gave that to her personally. The second one was much longer, which explained why I did what I did. And I even showed up at her work unannounced. I thought that by being persistent and showering her with attention, she would come back to me. But man, was I wrong. All my efforts just pushed her further away.
Yeah, so obviously the pushing further and further, especially if you’ve already been pushing all the time, is a no-go. It’s a big mistake. Also, the letters, that letter, everybody does it… Well, not everybody, but many guys do that. They think, I’m going to slip her some letter. What I feel like. A “goodbye“. That goodbye is just nonsense. You’re just trying to gain her attention. You’re trying to get a reaction out of her. It’s not a goodbye letter. You don’t need that closure. You don’t need that goodbye. If you’re strong, if you are a strong masculine man, even if it hurts, you’re going to move forward and you’re going to maybe say like a few last words in a message and that’s about it. But if it’s over, it’s over. And a guy who’s strong, who’s confident, who’s masculine, he would just move forward and let it go. He will reflect on that. And he might, shed a few tears in quiet. And then he goes on with his life. But you’ve basically been trying to gain her attention. As you said, it never worked.
The second letter for certain also didn’t work. Maybe she didn’t even read it. I don’t know. It seems like that was like a long apology letter or something like that. And you showed up at her work. So she just felt more suffocated, basically. She essentially had enough of you. And anybody who’s watching this, I don’t know what’s going on in your relationship or in your breakup. For example, if you know you’ve recently broken up maybe two weeks ago or three weeks ago and you’ve done it quite nicely. But let’s say, for example, now you find out she’s been dating some other guy or something like that, something triggers you and you’re feeling like “I should show up at her on her work,” or “I should show up at her house and get her attention and get her to talk to me.” Never, ever fucking do that! If you do it, it’s a big mistake and she’s going to forget it after a long time. But if you can avoid it, never show up at your ex’s house. Let her wonder why you’re gone out of her life. And make her miss you. That’s the only how you can get an ex back. And well, I guess we’re going to get into this.
Take Responsibility For Messing Up & Pushing Your Ex-Girlfriend Away: Become A Grounded & Secure Man
That’s when I realized I needed to take a step back and do no contact. During that time, I worked on myself and I think I made some real progress learning to let go, not to be so jealous and insecure and figure out why I would always chase her even in the relationship. I realized that I didn’t have many hobbies and not that many guy friends. I have been working on this and I now do BJJ and found a new close friend.
If you don’t know what BJJ is… The first time that I read BJJ, I was like, maybe if you’ve ever watched some porn, then you probably know what I’m thinking of. But the BJJ stands for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And yeah, it’s a pretty cool sport that a lot of guys do. And it’s a very male-dominated sport. So it’s great for bonding. So it’s good that you’re trying to find new things outside of your relationship, basically. I mean, your relationship is over. And that’s what everybody should be doing with watching this channel. Especially after a breakup, you got to reinvent yourself, find something new, do something that excites you and just be inspiring.
Actually, I got to share something with you. Just earlier, I was doing a workout. I wanted to go to my gym, to my new gym that I just started recently. But turns out on Mondays, they’re closed and I’ve been sick for the last five days like crazy. So I couldn’t work out at all. So I really wanted to work out today, but they were closed. So I was like, what am I going to do? So I started working out somewhere here in public, here in Bali. And it was this old man and he watched me work out and he was always like cheering me on. And he was excited by my workout because I guess it’s kind of rare to do workout out in public. And it was inspiring for him and he enjoyed watching me. That’s the kind of vibe you need to give off to your ex. That if other people watch you or she, of course, also watches you or sees what you’re up to, she will see, “Damn, look at this guy! He’s full of energy. He’s positive. He’s doing something like sports.” And that’s how you attract an ex. So you’ve been working quite well on this. You maybe also figured out a little bit. Why were you so insecure? What deep down led to this? Why did you not have that many male friendships or why did you not have any hobbies?
It’s really important to pay attention to this. Journaling is always really helpful, especially if you do this on a regular basis. For example, every two months or every three months, we re-evaluate: “Hey, how much time do I spend with my family? How much time do I spend on my hobbies? How much time do I spend on fun? How much time do I spend on having great sex with my girlfriend? How much time do I spend on my business?” And just have like a checklist or a percentage roughly where you evaluate on a scale of one to ten. How good is this aspect of my life? And if it’s not good, you clearly got to course-correct. Even in a relationship, you’ve got to make multiple things in your life work. And relationships with other people, outside of the relationship, that’s a part of it. If you’re not happy outside of the relationship, you’re going to bring that into the relationship. And so you’ve been working on yourself a little bit, so good so far. But let’s see where this goes.
How To Get Your Ex To Commit Again: Don’t Ask Your Ex Girlfriend To Commit — Make Her Want It
We eventually started talking again and even started casually seeing each other again. The conversation about getting back together started when I brought it up. I told her that I still loved her and I wanted to try again, but this time I was committed to making things work. She seemed receptive to the idea at first, but now she’s being stubborn and making excuses for not getting back together.
You said she says she’s not ready for a commitment and she needs more time. Well, actually, that’s quite accurate. You should have never brought up to get back together. And you definitely should not have brought up that you love her. I know it sounds like, “Ah! That’s a great idea! I’m going to tell her that I still care about her and I still love her.” But it’s like you’re dating from scratch to some extent, right? You’re trying to recreate something new, something better. And when a woman in the first place falls in love with a man, she will do that slower than the man. So we fall way too hard, way too fast, because we don’t have as many options, for example. So when a woman is with a man, she takes her time. She wants to figure out, is this the right guy for me? She will slowly build up her feelings for that guy and she will slowly open the doors, let her guard down.
And at some point, she feels ready to say, “I love you. I want to be with you. What is this? What are we?” And so you should have not told her that you love her, especially in this case, because she has all the power. She broke up with you. So now she’s wondering, “Hey, what am I to him?” Or she’s for a while, just wondering, “Where’s this going? What does he actually want? What does he actually feel about me? Does he want to get back? Does he still love me?” But now you removed all the mystery. You told her exactly how you felt. Then you even pushed her. You tried to pin her down and say “I need you back.” And that kind of gets back into that obsessive nature. You’re trying to control her. You’re trying to control the situation. And it shows to her that you haven’t really learned that much. You think that you’ve worked on your jealousy and so on. And maybe you’re no longer a jealous guy. But clearly, you’re still kind of trying to control the situation. You’re trying to reel her back in.
And she basically feels like “is he going to suffocate me again?” I guarantee you, if you would have given her the time to think about getting back together herself, she would have brought this up herself because she probably saw some positive changes. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have reached out to you as soon as she reached out to you. And otherwise, she wouldn’t have been open to the idea of dating again. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have hung out with you, being close to you, being close to a guy that she just wanted to get away from. She wanted to get away from you six months ago. And now she wants to spend time with you again. That is a major achievement. So she clearly had a change of heart. She thought, OK, you probably improved. And now you’re showing her again. Something is kind of off. So let’s see where this goes.
When Your Ex Only Wants To Casually Date: Is Your Ex-Girlfriend Still Resentful And Afraid To Get Hurt?
I think the problem is that she’s still holding on to some old hurt and resentment from my controlling behavior in the past. And she’s scared of getting hurt again. I’ve tried to show her that I’ve changed and I’m committed to making things work, but she is still hesitant. I don’t know what to do, Andy. I still love her and I really believe that we have a future together. We actually get along great again. And there isn’t really any anger there. At least nothing you can see on the surface when we’re spending time together. But as I said, I think she might be thinking too much about the past. Do you have any tips or advice on how to approach the situation and increase my chances of winning her back?
Well, I don’t think that she’s thinking too much about the past unless you make her think about the past, like bringing it up or trying to apologize again or showing her old behavior patterns like being too obsessed or being too possessive. What you should be doing is don’t bring up all that stuff. Don’t try to pin her down. If things are great overall then just continue dating her. I know you got to have a threshold where you say, hey, it’s really time to talk about this. But if it’s only been like a month, for example, don’t bring it up. Let her come to the conclusion to get back together. Two months later, come to the conclusion. Maybe even three months. After three months. It’s kind of reasonable to say, “Hey, look, we’ve been dating for three months now. And what do you actually want out of this? If you’re thinking about us, I really like this. I feel like we’re doing much better now, and it seems like everything has improved. So why don’t we try to work on this again?”
Actually, I had a coaching call with a client yesterday or two days ago. And I saw this. He tried to push too much with his ex. And that basically was one of the main reasons, I believe, why his ex is not very receptive. Now, in this case, he was quite lucky or he is quite lucky because I think his ex is very forgiving. And so despite the fact that he messed up a lot of times, I actually do believe that he still has a chance to get her back. But you’ve got to not push too much with this kind of stuff. Don’t give her more reasons for wanting to basically pull away again. Now, if there’s not too much resentment and she’s not too angry, she just in the moment had enough and she wanted to get out of it. She got distant over time, and she probably didn’t feel in love anymore. It doesn’t sound to me that she was really angry or hated you. She just didn’t feel like this was right for her anymore.
So all you got to do is go on more dates, seduce her. I don’t know if you already had sex, but man, all you need is essentially have sex with her. If you can have some good time with her, don’t talk about the relationship. Don’t talk about the fact that you still love her. Don’t talk about trying to get back together. But instead, have her over at your place. Have a nice bottle of wine or two bottles of wine. Man, if you are both drunk or at least slightly intoxicated and you’re really into each other, things can go really well. They can get really passionate and things can shift really quickly once you have sex again. Now, I’m not saying that you should use alcohol or sex to manipulate your ex to get back with you. I’m just saying that essentially what you need is physical intimacy to get back with a woman.
So that’s what I would focus on if I were you. You don’t need to prove to her that you’re a changed man with… I mean, you don’t need to do anything, essentially. Just don’t be possessive. And maybe you fixed your jealousy, but she can’t see that you fixed your jealousy unless you are a couple again. So she needs to see that right now you’re not possessive in the sense of wanting to say, “Hey, let’s determine the state of our relationship right now.” Obviously, if you’ve been dating for three months, or four months, or five months, or six months, and it just goes around and around in circles and she won’t commit. At that point, you got to tell her, “Hey, this is not going anywhere. And I really like you and I really enjoy dating you. But we can just stay in this cycle of just endlessly dating casually. But we’re not committing to each other. So I need to set some boundaries here and you need to tell me what you want from this.” But you should only do this after a certain time when it’s reasonable. Otherwise, you’re going to turn her off again. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. And never forget to unleash the king within.