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PSYCHOLOGY of re attraction: Focus on YOURSELF to get your ex back

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No contact and re-attraction can be mind-shattering to some men. The no contact rule is the big paradox that in order to re-attract an ex-girlfriend, you have to focus on yourself — not her. And in a best-case scenario, the best course of action to re-attract an ex-girlfriend is to do nothing about her not wanting to be with you. Instead of obsessing over every moment during no contact, you’d take massive action to transform yourself into an attractive man after a breakup. Which is easier said than done when you miss your ex-girlfriend like crazy.

It sounds reasonable when you put it that way, yet the art of reattracting an ex-girlfriend is a big mystery that, to some men, can’t be demystified until it’s too late and an ex-girlfriend has moved on with her life. The no contact rule usually fails when a man does no contact for a long time for his ex girlfriend instead of for himself.

Going no contact reminds me of something called the Sorites paradox, in which you have a heap of grain and you slowly remove one grain at a time. While you’re just removing one grain, you can’t ever properly say that the heap of grain is no longer a heap. Is it just a few dozen of grains? Or a whole heap?

When you do no contact for your ex, it’s the same thing. Each grain represents a little bit of ex-girlfriend obsession. Every day that you’re doing no contact, you’re slowly removing a tiny bit of obsession, until you’re no longer doing it for your ex. As time passes, you become less dependent on your ex-girlfriend and by that time, no contact is just a state of regained confidence and a period for personal growth. This is the state that you need to be in to get an ex back.

But unfortunately, this is the wrong way to do no contact. If you do no contact for weeks or months with the goal to get your ex back, then you’ll be wasting months of your life on the wrong outcome. You shouldn’t need months of slowly being less obsessed with your ex girlfriend for you to do no contact the right way. Instead, your goal on day 1 of no contact should be to go no contact for yourself to re-invent yourself. As you reinvent yourself, you’ll become so attractive as a man that you can’t be ignored. And your ex-girlfriend wanting you back as time passes should only be the icing on the personal growth cake.

Your goal has to be to fight the obsession and urge to get back with your ex-girlfriend because obsession over a woman breeds desperation. My content tends to iterate between attraction and re-attraction and that’s because both scenarios aren’t too different from each other. Almost every woman who no longer wants to be with you acts that way because she is less obsessed with you than you are obsessed with her.

We become obsessed with a woman when we believe that our value is no longer high enough to maintain the high value she has. That’s why any man’s main goal should be to transform himself into a high value man and make himself aware of his value on a regular basis. No contact should be employed as a strategy to become attractive to your ex — not to manipulate her into coming back to you. Because when you followed a good plan to become attractive again, whether your ex girlfriend wants you back or not, you’ll be a winner. Whereas if all your focus was on a scheme to win her back, if she doesn’t come back, you’ll only feel like a loser.

As I said, the no contact rule is a massive paradox and when done wrong, it can do more harm than good.

So I got a message from a guy who screwed up with a girl. He started begging and pleading, she got turned off and started dating someone else. She’s essentially in a rebound relationship and he wants her back. Whether you re-attract an ex or a woman who you dated for two weeks, you need to prove to her that you got what it takes to make her happy again. Otherwise, a woman will always find another man.

In the end, you always have to prove your worth to a woman, whether it’s on a first date, after a failed short-term dating situation, or after a long-term relationship. Relationships require work and your job as a man is to prove yourself worthy of the good things your woman has to offer — and vice versa. So, let’s dissect the problem.

She is Rebounding: Obsessing over your Ex Sleeping with Someone Else WON’T Help Get her Back!

Hey, me and my baby mother have been broken up for four months now. I’m 27, she is 23, and she is talking to a 24 year old guy in America. He came here from the East Coast last month, and I’m sure they had sex. This is driving me fucking crazy. I want her back and was hoping we could work things out. I love her, and she was crazy in love with me especially in the first two years. We were together for four years but officially only for three since the first year was fairly casual and not properly defined.

I’m not sure what I should do about the other guy. I guess they are long-distance but it’s not too far. We live in Jackson and afaik the guy is from Jacksonville. Yea, not making that up. So it’s a long drive of roughly 10 hours, but it’s not impossible for them to spend time together quite often.

Well, it doesn’t matter too much if she’s rebounding with another guy. I wouldn’t even be worried about it if the guy would live 10 minutes away from her. Rebound relationships just don’t have any foundation to be based upon and that’s why they don’t last. A rebound relationship is no different than getting into a relationship out of desperation. Well, to be precise, that’s exactly what a rebound relationship is. A rebound relationship is a desperate move to replace the previous partner.

This sounds illogical but it’s a good thing if your ex girlfriend is dating a new guy and hooking up with some other man. Why? Because your ex girlfriend won’t be happy with this guy and in the long run will break up with him. Most likely they will not even make it past the 3-month mark.

Just as you said, she was crazy in love with you back then. When a woman goes crazy for her man, she can’t easily replace him, especially after a four-year relationship. She is just trying to recreate what she had in the past. Of course, your ex could theoretically fall for another man as hard as she fell for you, but it’s unlikely for this to happen within the first year after being broken up. In the first year, your ex-girlfriend will be aimlessly jumping from one pursuit to another.

  • For one month it’ll be another man who she believes will make her happy
  • Then next month, she’ll start chasing her personal freedoms, go traveling, partying, enjoying herself with random pleasantries
  • And another month she will dig into her career and seek satisfaction within that

But anything she’ll do is most likely going to be based on impulsive decisions without foundational principles. And that’s exactly why, as a man, you need to come up with a long-term plan after a breakup to focus on yourself and develop yourself. You need to seek long-term goals and gratifications, instead of trying to find quick fixes to your loneliness. Worrying about your ex, and urgently wanting her back is no different than what your ex is doing. You’re just looking for a different short-term solution than she is. The best thing that you can do as a man is to do the exact opposite of what a woman would do after a breakup.

Recognize that there is a massive amount of attachment, bonds, and memories that were formed between the two of you, and instead of obsessing over what is going on with the other guy, obsess over how you’re currently living your life. The reality is that your ex-girlfriend will cycle through a few coping mechanisms and if she hasn’t heard from your for a long time, she will get in touch with you.

Quite frankly, this could be next week even though you’re freaking out about some other guy right now. You can’t read her mind, but I can guarantee you that these scenarios are a lot more common than you’d think. One week you’re worried about some guy that she looks to be happy with on social media, and two weeks later your ex is in your DMs.

Women love portraying themselves to be much happier than they are. It’s in a woman’s nature to be perceived as happy, healthy, and beautiful. There’s a reason why the internet is filled with IG attention whores whose only goal in life seems to be to figure out the best way to bullshit as many of her friends that her life is better than everyone else’s. Always take it with a grain of salt. It sounds to me that you found out about the other guy through someone else, but the end result is the same: Just because you assume your ex-girlfriend is happy with another man doesn’t mean she is — so stop worrying and get it out of your head.

Besides, he is 24 years old, whereas you are 27. You have more life experience, more confidence, and more years under your belt to be a stable provider. You should never be worried that a man younger than you is more satisfying than you. Her rebound guy is very likely inexperienced, does not know what he’s doing at all, and as soon as your ex starts to pull away from him even a tiny little bit — which will definitely happen due to the rebound nature — he will push her away all by himself and deal the finishing blow to their relationship.

Obsessed with your Ex: Begging and Pleading after a Breakup is a Reflection of your Mental State

I wasn’t treating her right. I wasn’t working because I got laid off from a job that didn’t really set me up for success. That really killed my confidence back then and it took me a long time to overcome that. Back then I got insecure and disrespectful during the relationship. I was a weird mix of depressed and aggressive back then and that really fucked everything up with her.

When she left me, I begged and pleaded for way too long. Almost two months. I couldn’t let it go and in a sense, this made me lose even more confidence. I was in the worst situation back then and failed so hard at re-attracting her. I honestly thing I did the opposite. I pushed her away more because I was feeling like a loser. It’s hard to describe it but I let myself “go”, well, it’s not the right word. It’s not that I was lazy, but more like I was weak and felt defeated and I turned her off a lot.

So in a nutshell, from the sounds of it, the breakup and your needy behavior were a direct reflection of your mental state. You let your frustrations out on your ex-girlfriend and eventually, she had enough of it. It’s only natural. All your energy always goes into your relationship, because at the end of the day, you will spend most of your daily life with your girlfriend aside from work. And then you didn’t even have work anylonger, which meant that your girlfriend was your primary anchor in life.

When you don’t oil the machine, the wheels eventually get stuck and when that happens, your woman is going to leave you behind and keep walking on her own. Obviously, no woman would want to be with a man if he’s without a job for a long time. It sounds to me that she didn’t leave you right away, which implies that she’s a good woman who has a certain level of tolerance for her boyfriend’s failures in life. That’s a good sign to me. Some women are extremely entitled and would leave their man as quickly as possible when he no longer provides stability.

But it sounds to me that your ex girlfriend left you because of how you treated her in your depressed state, rather than only leaving you because you were out of a job. It’s pretty clear that the number one goal after a breakup when you didn’t provide stability is to reverse your situation, shift gears, and focus on getting out of your rut.

And this goes back to the grain paradox. If you spend too much time begging, pleading, pursuing your ex girlfriend, and trying to fix the relationship, then you won’t be spending any time on re-inventing yourself and dedicating yourself to the sometimes painful self-development process.

No contact or the goal of re-attraction can sometimes misguidedly be used as a security cushion to ease the pain after a breakup. Some guys would rather endlessly chase their ex than find the courage to try something new. When you had a breakup, the first thing you should always do is venture into new territory and go on an adventure of self-discovery. Trying to find a solution with your ex when it just failed a few weeks ago is never the right approach.

It’s quite frankly an unbelievable process for your ex-girlfriend when you beg a lot and most likely promise her change in the future. It is much better to spend all the time promising change to really change. This may not seem like a big deal to beg for a month, or two — aside from it taking away your dignity for a short while — but if you don’t focus on yourself fast enough after a breakup, your ex will get in touch with you when you’re not ready for it.

The sooner you focus on yourself after a breakup and start no contact with that goal in mind, the sooner you will become highly attractive again. When you’re attractive, you’ll get better results in life. And better results in life will give you more self-esteem. It’s your regained self-esteem that will make your ex crave to be back with you.

When you venture out to rebuild yourself, it’s like you’re taking on an inspiring project. It’s no surprise that the verb venture can also be turned into a noun. Businessmen who take risks build a venture. When you want to rebuild yourself after a breakup to become attractive, I want you to put that picture of a successful businessman in your mind. Think of the last time that you met a man who was extremely inspiring to you — that’s the kind of energy you need to rediscover during no contact. Nobody has ever talked to an inspiring businessman and then felt like they’d never want to see that person again. When you become that kind of man after a breakup, you will leave that exact same impression on your ex-girlfriend. So when you have a bad breakup and miss your ex like crazy, instead of begging for too long, craft a master plan of what kind of venture you want to go on.

The Process of Getting your Ex Back: Re-Attraction using the No Contact Rule takes Time for Growth

I know she loves me but the feeling is just not there right now, so I’m in relative no contact with her. We don’t talk much right now and I’m starting to focus on myself, but it’s hard. I’m not where I’d like to be yet. Also, my ex girlfriend sometimes shows me hot and cold signals, like a couple of days ago it was almost like we were flirting again but now she has gone cold again.

We live about half an hour drive apart from one another but it feels like we’re worlds apart at times. So there’s a bit hot and cold behavior from her and it’s clear that my needed behavior pushed her away. I think I just got too low for her and that I need to work on myself but I’m still worried about the other guy. I’m still looking for a new job right now. I do have a lot of job interviews lined up though, so I am hopeful that it will wort out soon but I guess right now I’m not in a place of being attractive to her.

This is exactly why I encourage guys to go no contact and not chase their ex-girlfriends after a breakup. Growth takes time. Re-attraction takes time. You can’t just magically wish yourself to be the man your ex will be attracted to again. If you’re focused on real growth, it will take some time. You can’t rush the process of getting back together with an ex. Rome wasn’t built in one day, so you can’t expect to solve all your problems overnight. Your ex-girlfriend also doesn’t really expect that. That’s unrealistic. But your ex-girlfriend wants to see that you are going in the right direction. And from the looks of it, it seems to me that you are doing the right thing.

You’re looking for a job, which was obviously at the heart of the issue. I wouldn’t be too unsure of your ex-girlfriend’s feelings. The fact that she’s texting you at all is a sign that there is more trouble in paradise with her rebound than you might expect. If she’d be happy with him and wouldn’t miss you, then she wouldn’t have a reason to talk to you. But just like all the impulsive coping mechanisms that I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to jump head-first into a solution but then realize that the solution won’t solve the problem. I am sure this is what your ex is going through right now.

You should keep doing what you’re doing and stay focused on your job interviews. I know it feels like you have to win her back from her rebound, but the best way to do so is by staying focused on your personal Northstar. Never compare yourself to the man your ex is rebounding with — only compare yourself with you from last week. Are you attractive to your ex-girlfriend right now? No, of course not. You’re still looking for a job. But she clearly still cares about you, otherwise, she wouldn’t reach out to you at all.

She seems indecisive, despite the fact that you don’t have a new job yet she still isn’t fully convinced of this new guy. What that tells me is that she is most likely going to dump her rebound soon. And if you have your life back in order by then, re-attracting her will become a piece of cake. You may not yet be where you want to be, but I have a hunch your ex-girlfriend is already starting to notice that you are making changes.

Your ex can feel your masculine energy. You went from a depressed, easily frustrated man who felt defeated, to a proactive man who is taking is life into his own hands. There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who gets up when he’s been knocked down. That is the power of being in no contact, keeping your distance from your ex-girlfriend, and dedicating yourself to your own growth goals. Instead of whining, you’re taking steps to solve your issues. How could a woman not be attracted to that?

Remember: A woman who trusts, discovers her lust. Your ex girlfriend is trying to figure out if she can trust you again. You could say that you’re in the awareness phase. No contact breakup growth is like a marketing funnel that you have to get your ex-girlfriend to explore. You were a problem in the past. Now you’re solving it. Your ex misses you and she’s becoming aware of your changes. What’s next in the marketing funnel? Awareness, Consideration, Conversion, Loyalty.

Soon your ex will switch to consideration. This will happen when she dumped the rebound and she will actively pursue you again. Conversion would be the seduction stage when you get back with her. And loyalty will happen if you don’t just hype your changes up, but you also kept your word and you’re making her happy again. So, stick to your process. Keep applying for jobs and don’t worry about the other guy. I bet he will be gone sooner than you can imagine.

Focusing on Yourself after a Breakup: The Best Way to Re Attract your Ex Girlfriend is Massive Growth

Right now she and the other guy have problems like she’s posting things on her status and one time she called my sister to talk to my little niece that she’s really close with for her birthday and that’s when we actually had a phone call. She also told her cousin that she gave the other guy access to her phone and he looked at her IG. We used to have open phones, although we never had any jealousy issues or whatever, we just trusted each other. I was told that she thinks the other guy is a little bit insecure and more jealous than me.

But I don’t think that she is going to break up with him. We don’t talk about him because I made it clear that I don’t want that so she won’t come to me about him. I feel like I really messed up when she left me, so she is going to be overly into him. Plus, you know women are into hypergamy. She head over heels into him I think, and she wants to get married and have kids. That’s why she was so close with my niece. She’s a traditional and sweet woman. I think she might think that that guy might be a chance to start new, idk.

So the guy she is dating has insecurity issues. I would even say that he is more insecure than you. Your insecurities were a direct response to your bad circumstances. His insecurity may sit deeper below the surface. In fact, it seems your relationship was fine and you both had no issues with jealousy or insecurity until the end of the relationship.

Now, put yourself into the shoes of your ex-girlfriend. When she broke up with you and then started dating someone else, she had you at your worst as a reference point. So your ex girlfriend expected that her rebound would be a better partner than you were. When she then has to be confronted with the reality that the new guy already has more insecurities than you had on average, she will quickly realize that this relationship is not worth keeping.

And this, once again, is why massive growth after a breakup is the main priority you should be focused on to re-attract an ex girlfriend. Just like your ex expected the new guy to be better than the old you, you also have to be better than the old you. When you re-attract an ex you’re doing nothing differently than when you’re attracting her for the first time. To win a woman’s heart, you have to be better than the last man that she dated. You’re absolutely correct that women are into hypergamy. They will not accept a man who can’t be a provider. Of course, your ex would like to get married and have kids. But ask yourself this:

  • Is the previous version of yourself the kind of man your ex would want to have kids with?
  • Is her rebound the kind of man your ex would want to have kids with?
  • Or is the version of yourself that you’re developing right now a man your ex would want to have kids with?

All it takes to re-attract an ex-girlfriend is a good vision and follow-through for massive growth to make the vision happen. The answer to these should be obvious if you believe in your vision. You should not feel threatened by some other guy who is already showing signs of failure. Once again, you need to stop being obsessed with your ex and her rebound, and instead obsess over your personal growth.

And you’re not giving yourself enough credit. Unlike your ex, you had immediate breakup regret. Unlike her rebound, you want to make a change. You have a strong motivation to change your life. This motivation is what it takes to attract your ex back. Her new guy is already showing signs of insecurity. There is no way that he is a high-status man. Your ex will dump him exactly because she is hypergamic. You have to do nothing about him because he will mess it up all by himself. So focus on how you can become more attractive, rather than worrying about how attractive her new guy is.

Sticking to the No Contact Rule: Your Ex will Come Back when you LEAST Expect It if you’re Attractive

As I said, I did a lot of wrong things after the breakup, so that attraction was gone even more with the neediness and begging. Now I’m focusing on getting a new job. I really hope that it works out soon.

I also feel like investing some time into other streams of income. Right now I’m just exploring and learning from books or YouTube. It’s just an idea but it was a big lesson for me that you can get fucked over in life too easily when you don’t have all your bases covered. Is there anything that you think that I could do in the short-term right now? What’s your assessment of the situation? Especially with the job and the rebound, how bad is it? Thanks a lot!

No, there is no magic short-term solution. The best thing you can do is to not focus on the short-term outcomes after a breakup. In fact, the most important change you have to make is to do all of this primarily for yourself, not for your ex-girlfriend. It’s like the paradox that I talked about in the beginning. Right now you are still in a frame of mind of doing all of this to re-attract your ex-girlfriend. Of course, this is the outcome you want and that’s the outcome that you’ll get once you reach your goals.

But your ex-girlfriend coming back should be something out of left field. It has to be something that you didn’t expect, nor did you wait for it. When you are so busy with your new vision and achieving one goal after another, that’s when an ex comes back. Exes come back when you don’t think about them. So don’t do all of these growth goals with your ex-girlfriend in mind. Don’t just remove one obsession grain one by one. Take all the obsession off the table right now. You cannot change anything about the situation with your ex-girlfriend. There’s no way to predict if she’ll reach out to you in a week from now, or in 4 months from now. Trying to directly influence your ex girlfriend’s feelings is a losing game. You should directly & positively influence your own life’s circumstances, and then you will indirectly influence your ex-girlfriend without even realizing it.

I think your goals are great. Finding new ways to have a stable income is a great plan. And since I talked about hypergamy, if you truly want to become attractive, then all you need to do is to follow your new goals, and on top of that, try to build up your social status. You want to find new income streams, right? Let’s say you want to get into e-com, e-commerce. Go and attend e-commerce meetups. You could meet amazing people there. One of the speakers at an e-commerce event could become a mentor or even a new friend. Hit the gym to become more attractive, higher energy, and look like the kind of man these people would want to hang out with.

Meet more inspiring people, and elevate the people that you spend time with. Social proof creates more social proof. Any woman wants to be with a man who at the very least is perceived as a high status man. Once everyone can see that you are well-respected in your community, women will gravitate around you, and this will create more social proof. And slowly your social proof will snowball. The more women will want you, the more other women will want you. And of course, your ex will also want you.

You may not have all your life sorted out yet, but if you are surrounded by a high-quality social circle, it automatically boosts your social status even further. The rich get rich, the poor get poorer. The high-status men gain more status, the low-status men lose their status. The best thing you can do right now is to elevate your social status. Reverse the cycle and become massively attractive. And with your goals, you’re going in the right direction. First, make sure you get a new job, and then focus on your secondary goals that help you elevate your status. I guarantee you, once you are focused on your growth goals rather than your ex, your ex girlfriend will come back when you didn’t see it coming.

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