Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about how no contact actually feels when you’re doing it right. When you, in a sense, actually move on from your ex, when you use it to grow, grow up as a man, become better, become a better version of yourself, understand yourself better, relationships better, and so on. And so I have a situation from a guy who has been doing that. Yes, he used no contact. Of course, he wanted his ex back, but essentially he used it to grow up and learn more about himself. And in the process, now he’s dating another woman that she seems to have good chemistry with. Plus on top of that, his ex is back in the picture. She seems to be attracted to him. So let’s see what is my advice for him. He has a bit of a problem there, I guess you could say, because he’s trying to figure out what does he do with his ex and with the girl that he’s dating. So let’s see what is my advice.
No Contact Depression: Turning an Identity Crisis after a Breakup into a Growth Opportunity
Hey, coach, I wanted to seek your advice because I’m in a bit of a predicament, and I was hoping you could give me some advice. Almost exactly one year ago, I went through a really tough breakup with my ex-girlfriend. Our relationship had a lot of issues, and looking back, I can see that I played a big part in our problems. I was a pretty immature boyfriend and did a lot of childish stonewalling and lashing out on my girlfriend. I had a lot of growing up to do, and I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship at the time. I was never really aware of my shortcomings until I dated my ex. In a way, the breakup and learning from it turned me into a man. My ex was also going through a lot back then, and we both made mistakes that eventually led us to breaking up.
The breakup wasn’t very pretty, and I was definitely more attached to her than she was to me. Or at least, I was the one who wanted to hold the relationship together. After we broke up, I was really lost. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in life anymore. I spent about two months in a super fucked up state, letting myself go, play too much games, drinking too often, and just not really having any direction. But then, I discovered no contact advice, and instead of wallowing in self-pitty, I decided to use the breakup as an opportunity to grow and improve myself. I started reading a lot of dating books and took it as a chance to learn more about women and myself. I eventually also got a new job because I absolutely hated my old one, and I started training for the Triathlon.
Perfect, so everyone here can see he has been doing it the right way. He has been focusing on himself. He’s been reading some books. He’s doing some sports like a Triathlon. Not just is he doing a sport, he’s also setting some goals for himself. A Triathlon is definitely not something easy to do. I don’t know if it’s like a marathon. With a marathon you can have a health marathon or a full marathon. Not sure if it’s the same thing with a Triathlon, but even people who do a marathon or a health marathon, depending on your health, it’s a big goal to set. So he’s keeping himself busy, he’s growing, he’s learning something new. He also got a new job because he hated the old one, so he re-imagined himself. And we’re going to see in a moment, this is why he’s becoming attractive, and we’re going to see in a moment he’s becoming more attractive to other women, probably also his friends, and of course also to his ex. That’s why she’s messaging him, we’re going to see this in a moment, but let’s get to this in a moment. Let’s first continue.
The Results of No Contact Strength: The Unexpected Female Dumper Feelings when Ex Moves On
Over the course of seven months, I went from being totally lost to reinventing myself and coming out stronger. I also started dating around a bit, but mostly just casual date to practice my dating skills and try out some of the things from the books that I was reading. I’m now in a much better place. I’m more confident, leveled up my lifestyle, and I would say that I am more emotionally stable. I’ve also went out of my comfort zone and started dating more attractive women than before.
That’s the perfect thing that you should do. Actually, that’s probably the best thing that you can do after a breakup. Read some dating books, maybe read my book, and become more confident. Work on your dating skills. Some casual dating is fine as well. You’ve got to be a little bit careful, of course, because if you just date and you think that you’re dating with the right intent, most likely you want to treat the girl that you’re dating as a rebound. Don’t take it too seriously when you’re dating, essentially try not to commit too much. Just have a good time. I’m not even telling you to hook up. I’m not a big hookup guy anymore, and I think it’s just, for the most part, not very healthy. Just have a good connection with multiple women.
Try to find to create a new, good connection, and just become confident and learn how to seduce women or how to make women want you, actually, because that will pay off in the future. No matter what happens with your ex, you will feel so much better about yourself. So you’ve done the right thing here about, working on your lifestyle, improving your lifestyle, becoming more emotionally stable. That is why women date older guys, because they want an emotionally stable man. And it tends to be that older men are more stable. But you can also reach emotional maturity at a younger age. If you read a lot of books, reflect, and ask yourself a question twice, what am I doing? Are these things actually making sense, or am I being too emotional, too biased? That’s why reading books is so great because you need a second opinion to tell you that maybe you can do things differently. So good job so far, but let’s see where it goes.
Recently, I finally started to date less casually and now I consider myself ready to date less casually, and I recently met a nice girl. She’s smart, funny, and beautiful, and we have a lot in common. We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now, and things are going great so far. We had sex for the first time a week ago. Everything between us so far has been going really well, but here’s the predicament that I’m in. I assume it’s not a coincidence. But a few days ago, my ex reached out to me, and she already messaged me twice.
Yeah, it’s probably not a coincidence. Does she know that you’re dating this girl? Has she seen you posting something, or does she somehow now know from friends? Perhaps, but it’s pretty early, so I assume maybe not. But what is probably going on is that you can just feel that there’s something weird. You’re no longer in her life. You’ve been AWOL, quiet for quite some time. You’ve been incredibly happy. Your aura is just very, very different. Typically, as guys, when we are with a woman that makes us happy, everything just changes. The way how women perceive us changes as well. And so now she’s noticing there’s something different, or at the very least, she’s missing your absence, or she’s feeling your absence, and she’s missing talking to you, basically.
And probably something hasn’t worked out for her. I can guarantee you, she has probably not done the same amount of work that you have. Women don’t have to work hard. When they fuck up in relationships, when things don’t go right in relationships, when they have a breakup, they can just find another guy. They maybe can’t find the hottest guy or the richest guy, but they will find a guy. You know that for you, this was painful, and if you want a better relationship, you gotta put in the work, which you’ve done. With a woman, it’s not that way. So a woman will just take the easy route, find the next guy, and hopefully, it will work out with that guy, but often it just doesn’t work out, and then she has to face reality that she actually dated a nice dude, but she left and she gave up, and she looked the other way. So now she’s realizing she made a mistake, and she’s back.
Why do Exes Come Back when you Move On: Your Ex GF Thought she could Give YOU Another Chance
The first time, she only randomly messaged me, but on the second time, she opened up, and she says she’s sorry that she didn’t fight for the relationship, and she also thinks that she wasn’t fair enough to me and that she made equally bad mistakes, as I did. She said she misses me and said that if I ever felt like it, she’d like to meet up with me because she feels like we never got proper closure. I’m kind of torn on what I do now. I honestly am very happy right now. When I started doing No Contact, I initially focused it on my ex to win her back, but as I started learning and growing, I began to do more of it for myself. I feel like I’ve grown so much as a person, and I don’t want to fall back into old patterns with my ex.
On the other hand, I still have strong feelings for her, and I wonder if it could make things work this time around. She seems to be remorseful about leaving, and I feel like she wants to really do things better this time around. I could obviously just be reading into this and have false hope. Maybe she just wants to get closure, what do you think? Personally, I assume that the time away from her basically reattracted her and that she is interested in learning who I’ve become. I’m just a much more attractive person now, which reflects in the girls that I dated. That doesn’t mean that my ex-girlfriend isn’t attractive, by the way. She’s pretty. It’s more like the girl that I date right now, she’s a bit more classy and sexy overall. I feel like I’m lucky to be dating her even though it’s somewhat casual right now, but we’re going towards becoming more serious, and first of all, I don’t want to juggle two women at the same time and act like an emotional cheater.
So I’m not sure what I should do now. My ex and I have a solid foundation, and while things didn’t work out, maybe we could actually have a better relationship now. On the other hand, this new girl is amazing and we seem to be very compatible with each other. I feel like I’m forced to make a choice soon, not because either one of them is literally forcing me to do anything, but because of my own moral compass. It kind of sucks. I never expected this is what would happen once I become more attractive. Maybe I should have waited just a little longer to stop seriously dating another girl. Now I’m stuck in the middle, and I don’t know what the heck I’m supposed to do. I guess option number three would be date neither of them LOL. I am doing pretty great right now. Although I guess that option is more to deal with my anxiety about the situation and more an irrational choice because I’m a bit codependent at times and don’t want to hurt people. So, well, I hope you can give me advice what I do now. I can’t really meet up with my ex while I’m dating the other girl, right? So I have to make a choice, I suppose. What do you think? Would it be okay to hear my ex out if I rush it while I’m not 100% serious with the girl I’m dating? Thank you for your help, Brad.
Okay, so here’s how I see it. I’m pretty sure your ex is not just reaching out to you because she needs some closure. She clearly is attracted to you and she wants to get back with you. That’s what it seems like to me. Now the problem is, or well, the good thing, I suppose you could say, and everybody who’s watching this, this is kind of how it should be, that you work on yourself, you feel happy, you are okay without living without your ex. You’re okay living without your ex. Then she reaches out at some point and you’re confident and she wants to apologize. It’s her who no longer has the power. It’s you who has the power. You have the negotiating power and now you can meet up with her and essentially you can facilitate for another relationship to happen. The problem is, of course, now you’re dating another woman. What I typically would say is, most of the time, if you’re dating an ex or if you want to date an ex, actually, if you can manage to get your ex back, that’s actually the better choice than trying to date a new woman. Why? Because you have history and you can really truly fix your issues. Then it’s basically as if you’re a couple who has been never broken up. You’ve been together for a long time, like a married couple, and you’ve gone through the seasons and you’ve learned how to love each other properly, long term, and how to make each other happy, how to work around each other’s quirks, understanding the communication patterns and things that you’re doing wrong, not doing right and so on.
With a new woman, you have to, first of all, learn all of that from scratch. Plus, she might not yet have gone through those lessons, so she might not be able to adjust to you and you might not be able to adjust to her. And so that means that there’s a higher risk of the relationship not working out. Yes, that sounds ironic because the relationship before didn’t work out, but it has been proven that when couples take the effort and really work on their relationship, unhappy couples especially, married couples, when they go to a therapist and they really try to address their problems, 70%+ of all couples can actually fix the relationship and improve it, make it even better. With a new woman, who knows? It could go either way. If you’re both very healthy individuals, it’s definitely gonna work out, but you never know what incompatibilities you have and how much certain things might trigger you, so you’re not prepared for that. With your ex, you know exactly what to get and if you both can address it, I think you’ve done a lot of work on yourself. If she could do that same work, then I would say go for it. The problem is though, right now, you’re dating a perfectly fine girl.
You have great chemistry, great sex, she’s also more attractive, classier, probably not a massive deal, but it does matter. It matters that you find your woman attractive. And so, if your ex would be in the picture and there would be no girl, I would always say take your ex back. Meet up with her, see what you can do, but the problem is you’re stuck in between, right? You’ve gotta figure out, do I rush it right now? Do I meet up with her one more time? But it’s basically like you’re leading on the girl that you’re dating or you’re essentially lying to her. So you gotta look at how, I would just look at how compatible are you with her? Have you seen some problems with the girl that you’re dating so far or is everything great? You just had sex for the first time, so obviously you are in the honeymoon period, but you gotta give a window of opportunity. If an ex doesn’t come back after a while, look, it’s her loss, it’s her fault. She can’t expect you to wait for her forever. I would probably try to make it work with the other girl that you’re currently sort of casually dating. Why? Because you don’t know what to expect with your ex. You’re happy already, but if you would still be really hung up on your ex, I would say yes, try to work it out with your ex. But you seem to be a really happy single in general and with this girl, so I think there’s just too much risk that you now either, in quotes, you break up with the girl, stop dating her, or you go behind her back and she will find out in the future or you will feel bad about it. You’re setting a bad precedent, so you gotta make a choice. I know that is tough, but I would not do either or.
Either you break it off with her or you talk to your ex. That’s a really tough call to make, and I’m sure a lot of guys watching this will feel like, yeah, I would probably just talk to my ex, but I don’t do half big things, man. When I commit, I commit. Right now, I’m dating a woman and I haven’t been dating for 3 years. I mean, I’ve been dating a little bit, but not really, I’ve just been looking around in Bali, and as soon as I got to Jogja, I was 100% all in. And I’m dating a girl now and it happened really fast. I don’t really like to do half-baked things where I lead a woman on or where I just pretend that I wanna get to know her, but then I don’t wanna get to know her. I basically just, for the most part, was very non-committal. I was really honest with the girls that I’ve been dating for the last 10 months or that I met up with and just seeing where it goes, but I didn’t have a situationship. I don’t do that kind of stuff. Either I like her and I like her so much that I go for it, or I’m basically just leaving her again. For me as a man, it’s very important to just be very clear with my intentions, honesty, and just setting clear goals and directions for your life. And sometimes you gotta make a decision like that that really sucks. Do I choose my ex? Or the new girl, if you choose your ex, then if it fucks up again, then you lost something great with this new girl. But if you choose the new girl, then of course, it’s probably over with your ex forever. But like you said, you’re happy, and I would try to make it work with the serious girl, with the casual girl, and turn it into a serious relationship. There is no baggage.
That said, there’s one caveat. You need to make sure that you avoid the communication issues that you had in your last relationship. So identify what did you do wrong. I assume you already know a lot of this. Make sure that you don’t do it in your new relationship. And make sure that you have reconnection rituals. So that you never feel lonely, neglect that she doesn’t feel neglected, you don’t feel neglected, you don’t take each other for granted. That’s basically all you need in a relationship. Don’t take each other for granted. And commit to each other, and give each other time regularly. It’s all that’s needed really with relationships. Of course, there are certain techniques and behavior patterns that are important. But on a basic level, it’s really not rocket science. I believe that you can do this with the new girl, I would date her. Now, that’s probably a really controversial take this video, but that’s my advice. When you move on from your ex, when you do no contact right, you got options. And in the best case scenario, your ex comes back before you decide to start dating a new girl and you’re happy with her, and then you get her back. But that’s really not what I want for you guys. I want you to have an option of either/or.
Could be your ex or another woman. The problem is that a lot of guys focus only on their ex, they’re so obsessed with her, that that is the only thing that they want. And so they spend so much time doing no contact, that they don’t even have a proper identity anymore. Their own identity basically becomes their ex girlfriend. And it’s pretty clear that with that kind of mindset, it’s just obsession. And when you get her back, you haven’t really developed yourself and you won’t have a happy relationship. But the way that you’ve been doing it, you have your own identity, and now you can choose. You can maybe go back with your ex, you can completely ignore my advice if you want to, or you can keep dating this new girl and keep on building a great new connection and a great new identity. And the thing is, that new identity of yours that you’ve built, that new girl, she really appreciates that. Your ex might also appreciate it, but who knows where that would go. You know that the girl that you’re with right now, she just fucking appreciates who you are, so I would keep fucking her, that’s what I would do. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
