30% Off: PhoenEx 3-Step-Blueprint

Here’s How to be ALPHA with an Ex: Take your ex OFF THE PEDESTAL!

Get the ultimate science-based guide to the no contact rule. Massive YouTube promo inside!

PhoenEx 3-Step-Blueprint - Sign Up Now

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

How can you be an alpha with your ex during no contact? By taking your ex girlfriend off the pedestal! Always be alpha with an ex after a breakup or lose her to another man. In the context of a breakup, a woman wants to see that she can trust you and can’t play with you because if she can deceive she’s going to leave. Your ex won’t be attracted to you if she can manipulate you. If she notices that she can wrap you around her fingers, she is not going to want to get back with you.

So I have a situation from a guy who’s putting his ex-girlfriend way too much on a pedestal. He thinks that she’s incredible. She’s the one! And because of that he’s being too nice to her. And that’s how he’s reducing his chances with his ex gf. It’s a classic story to explain how to use the no contact rule after being needy.

Breaks are tough, man. Overvaluing your ex is human nature after her rejection. For some reason…

  • you broke your ex-girlfriend’s heart
  • your ex doesn’t trust you anymore
  • your ex girlfriend doesn’t love you anymore
  • your ex gf broke up & left without remorse
  • you did something awful & broke her trust

But if she doesn’t want to get you back and doesn’t want to give your relationship another chance to work on what didn’t work out — in a way that is a betrayal of trust. She doesn’t trust you to do better. She needs to earn your trust just as you need to earn her trust. With ex girlfriends you should always take them off the pedestal. It goes both ways. Trust in a relationship requires effort and your ex is not showing effort. Alright, so let’s get into the situation of this guy.

Overvaluing Your Ex: Stop Putting Her On A Pedestal

Hi coach, please help me with my ex-girlfriend who completely ignores me and rejects all my attempts at trying to get back together with her. She broke up with me half a year ago after she said that I had become too insecure and that she felt pressured by me. That I wasn’t giving her enough room to spend time with her friends. I understand what she means but at the same time we were a couple and we had been living together for nearly a year. We moved in together very soon after we became an ‘official couple’. I felt it would be natural to spend time with my girlfriend but over time I noticed she became colder in the relationship and as a result, I started pushing more and I admit that I became very insecure whenever she would spend time with her friends.

Yes, she felt as if she can wrap you around her finger. You became insecure when you didn’t spend time with her. Even as couple, in a relationship, you should be able to have your own separate friends or be able to go out. A certain level of autonomy in relationships is crucial to avoid breaking up. Your girlfriend should be able to meet her friends for lunch, hobbies, spa day, have a ladies-only night, and so on. Likewise, you should get together with your bros. This is a problem with men. We often lack a male-dominated circle of friends or male support systems. It’s usually women who have a lot of female friends, even though they’re in a relationship. Men are notorious loners. We depend too much on our girlfriends. That’s dangerous. That doesn’t feel reassuring and attractive to a woman. It doesn’t give her confidence in your strength. That’s where you went wrong.

A Viscous Cycle: Insecure Beta Male Behavior Spiraling Out Of Control

For your info, we had some problems with our communication during the relationship and there were several moments where my ex sat me down to told me things she did not like about me, like small things, such as my lack of cleanliness, but also bigger things like me getting jealous of some of her male co-workers. She became more and more distant with me and one day she gave me the dreadful ‘we need to talk’ speech. She said that she felt as if I don’t allow her to live her own life and that she thought she had to find happiness on her own and told me that she thought I should do the same and we’re not right for each other.

It sounds to me that it was primarily your insecure behavior. You’re not being an alpha male. You’re a jealous beta male. You’re jealous because you put her on a pedestal. For some reason, you believed your ex would leave you for another man when it likely wasn’t the case — unless you turned her off, as you did.

She was very clearly communicating what she didn’t like. She’s assertive & confident. You’re not. She told you the things that she didn’t like about you not being clean enough. She doesn’t like when you’re getting jealous of some male co-workers. I’m sure she can’t do anything about some guys that she meets at work. I don’t know exactly what she did. Of course, there are boundaries and limits to what’s okay, but my guess is these were just normal, platonic co-workers. You got insecure, then she felt that you were unhappy about yourself, and as a result, you got even more desperate and projected your insecurities onto her. Insecure beta male behavior is a vicious cycle that eventually spirals out of control with your girlfriend.

You felt threatened by some guys who weren’t any threats to you. You created this situation. These male co-workers probably meant nothing to her. She didn’t feel safe around you because she noticed the disconnect between how self-assured she was about you and how self-assured you were about your ex. You should roughly value each other in the same way. But she clearly lost confidence in you. At the same time, you valued her so much. That didn’t make sense. If you’re insecure about a woman, jealous about other guys, and let’s say hypothetically your worries would be justified, then you shouldn’t value her as much and want to leave her because she’s not treating you right. That’s a disparity between your thoughts & actions in the relationship.

The Big No Contact Mistake: Re-Attracting Your Ex With Your Words VS With Your Actions

I was desperate when she broke up with me and I tried desperately to change her mind but she didn’t want to give me another chance. I promised her I would change but nothing I said made her change her mind.

Yeah, because it’s impossible to show your ex that you’re going to change with your words. You have to change with your actions. If you’re going to repeat the same insecurity of being all over her, annoying her with your insecurities, making her feel threatened, smothered, and as if she can’t have her own life, then you’re reassuring her that breaking up was the right choice.

If you really want to prove to her that you’re going to change, stop messaging her for a while and show her that you’re not going to put her on a pedestal. Show her that you have your own life. Show her that you can be happy on your own. Your ex girlfriend believes and feels that the only reason why you are with her is that it’s the only way how you will be happy. Prove her wrong.

She doesn’t want to be with that kind of man. She wants to be with a man who feels strong, to whom she can come back to when she doesn’t feel good in life. You’re supposed to be her safe space. Her home. You’re meant to be your girlfriend’s foundation when her life is in disarray. If she can see that you’re not grounded & happy with yourself, how can she come to you if she is having problems in her own life? That’s why she’s losing trust, affection & attraction.

The Importance Of No Contact: Stop Chasing Your Ex And Start Valuing Yourself

The way she broke up was extremely harsh and after the breakup, we did not stay in touch. But before that, I tried several times to talk with her. After the breakup, I didn’t try to talk about our relationship. I just tried to reconnect with her and try to get us talking again but to no avail. Most of the time she would answer with one-liners and the last message I sent her went completely ignored by her.

Yeah, she’s done with you at this point. Right now she doesn’t trust that you’re confident. You’re constantly chasing your ex even though she’s the one who rejected you. That shows her you don’t value & respect yourself enough. A woman wants to be with a man that she can respect but how can she respect you if you don’t even respect yourself? If an ex doesn’t want to be with you, the worst thing to do is chase her because. What does that say about you? You’re a simp. You shouldn’t be with a woman who clearly doesn’t want you.

I’m not saying that it is wrong to want an ex back and care for her, but you have to take a step back to respect and value yourself while she isn’t attracted to you. It is up to your ex to show you that she still cares about you after rejecting you. You’ve already shown her how much you care about her. It didn’t work. She ignored you. Right now she doesn’t value you. So start valuing yourself. Unleash the king within. Always focus on yourself to re-attract your ex.

Embrace an alpha male break up mentality and focus on curing oneitis. You’re too obsessed with this one woman. Find your own happiness within yourself. Through things that make you happy. It seems to me that when you were a couple there were a lot of things left to be desired in your life. Was your circle of friends lacking? Your pursuit of hobbies? You should get back to finding some hobbies. Hang out more with your buddies, especially with your male friends. Cultivate a well-rounded, balanced life, so that when your ex girlfriend comes back, she will feel that you are secure.

Don’t Find No Contact Excuses: Giving Gifts And Contacting Your Ex Is A No-Go

It’s now been seven months since our breakup and my birthday is coming up on December 18. Since it’s also Christmas, I was thinking to message her and giving her a small present that reminds her of our relationship. We used to play board games a lot. My ex especially loved chess, so I was thinking to buy her a nice chessboard. You know, I was thinking that it would be a great way to spend time together and play chess. Is it okay if I message her on my birthday or Christmas and send her a picture of the gift?

Nope! That is incredibly awful! Why would you give her a gift on your birthday or point it out on your birthday? I get it: You’re thinking Christmas is a great opportunity to reach out, but it sounds to me that if Christmas wouldn’t be around the corner, you would still give her that gift. That makes no sense! If she is the one who didn’t value you, rejected you, messed up by walking away for now, then she should be giving you a gift. Your ex screwed up by abandoning and not giving you another chance.

Yes, you screwed up but you clearly said you’re going to change. You want to change your ways. I don’t know how long it’s been since you broke up. In the best-case scenario, you already worked on yourself. It doesn’t seem like you did but she doesn’t know that. Your ex-girlfriend should assume that you’re busy working hard on yourself if she hasn’t heard from you for a while. That’s why she should be the one who would do something good for you.

I’m not saying she should be giving you a gift but she should be the one to contact you. But it’s you again who wants to contact his ex. That tells me she’s still on the pedestal. You’re still thinking too much about your ex. If you keep this up you will never get her back because she can always feel that she can deceive. If she can deceive she’s going to leave! Women do not want to be with a man that they can feel they can manipulate. If you are still chasing her, then it’s clear that you are still desperate for your ex’s attention. She knows you would still do anything to get her back!

You’re willing to give her a present even though she treated you like you don’t exist. That shows to her that you still don’t value yourself enough. You’re a gigantic nice guy. You value your ex more than yourself. It’s not going to work. Unleash the king within, otherwise, she can’t trust you. A woman doesn’t want to be with a weak & needy man. A woman doesn’t want to be with a tyrant who’s always an asshole, is rude, puts people down, is insecure, impulsive, easily agitated, and complains a lot. Develop your positive qualities! Your ex is seeking a true king.

It doesn’t seem like random text messages have a lot of effects. So I think that reminding her of some of the better moments in our relationship will make her think about me in some more positive light.

Nope! I don’t think so because even though you’re trying to remind “Don’t you like this chess stuff? We used to play chess… Wasn’t it fun?”, you’re also reminding her about the very thing that caused the breakup: Your insecurity. Insecure gestures after a breakup remind your ex of your desperate behavior before the breakup. What you have to do is give her the space to miss you. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you clearly should focus on yourself. I can tell that you’re still “unhinged”. If I can see that, she definitely will once you start talking again. You still care so much about her and you’re not focused on your own life. When she comes back she will be very disappointed to see that you’re still not in control of yourself. She’ll think…

  • you’re still so hung up on her
  • you still haven’t figured out your life
  • you’re not developing yourself
  • your life is completely out of balance
  • you’re still not able to find some friends to hang out with

She can prophesize what’s going to happen if you get back together. She knows that you’re going to get jealous again of some guys. You’re not going to have something to do when she does something with her friends. Your ex girlfriend wants to see some progress within you or she won’t get back with you. She wants to see growth and a king’s mindset. Stop messaging her. It’s not working. Make her chase you! You have to focus on yourself. Figure out what you want to do with your life so that you can inspire her again. What is really awesome about you? What is something that she fell in love with you in the first place?

Maybe when you initially started dating you still had your insecurities in control and your life in order. Perhaps you were very passionate about something. Asocial cause, a business, or a hobby. Are you still doing these? Did you abandon them in the relationship? Can you get back to it or do you need to find something else that makes you happy? Feel alive to revitalize her feelings for you.

Home » Blog » Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back » Here’s How to be ALPHA with an Ex: Take your ex OFF THE PEDESTAL!

* Disclosure: I only recommend products I would use myself. Product/book recommendations may contain affiliate links that at no additional cost to you, may earn me a small commission if you purchase one of the products.

Get the ultimate science-based guide to the no contact rule. Massive YouTube promo inside!

PhoenEx 3-Step-Blueprint - Sign Up Now

Need More Help?

If this was helpful, book a coaching session with me. Coaching sessions are available in English & German.

If you cannot afford coaching sessions, send me an e-mail (max. 900 characters long, English language) and if I find the time, I will make a free video about your situation. I cannot guarantee a video since I receive a lot of e-mails.

If you can’t afford coaching sessions, my book Unleash The King Within or my training program Confidence King are great self-help tools that you can use to improve your personal life and your dating experiences.

Hi, I’m Andy Graziosi. I help men unleash their confidence and reach their fullest potential. My science-backed philosophy is: “The king is already a winner.” — Amazing women are already attracted to you. All a king has to do is use this attraction to his advantage.

You can date your dream woman. I help you develop & maintain a strong masculine frame. This helps you overcome your dating insecurities & become a force to be reckoned with.

If you need help, feel free to reach out to me.

Get my FREE E-Book + Audio-Book (until Jan 1st 2023)

I’m writing a new book with 88 principles on what it takes to be a high value man. It’s the ultimate guide on how to be desired by any woman that you want. I’m giving it away FOR FREE to anyone who signs up before it’s released. No catch! It’s a win-win. You get a great book & I might get some great reviews when the book launches.

Unleash The King Within Dating Book

In Unleash The King Within, you’ll learn the mindsets, principles, and mental models to not only to gain confidence around women, but also to tap deep into it, and to take advantage of it to create the life that you want to live together with your dream woman.

The key here is the mindset shift that this book will install. It’s a new lens that clarifies and helps you see the king within you who is always surrounded by women who want to be with him.

Once you have this new mindset, you literally start attracting breathtaking women everywhere you go without having to lift a finger.

Get To Know me

Dating Advice On YouTube

Follow my dating advice for men. I post daily content on how to attract women.

Relevant Blog Posts

My Ex USED Me for Money and then LEFT AGAIN

My Ex USED Me for Money and then LEFT AGAIN

Let’s talk about an ex girlfriend who doesn’t value you and only comes to you when she needs something, like in this case, being used for money. In general, you should never give a woman money, especially not an ex girlfriend, because once you give a woman money, she knows that she can ask for more…

No Contact Rule for guys with ANXIETY! How to OVERCOME your Breakup!

No Contact Rule for guys with ANXIETY! How to OVERCOME your Breakup!

Let’s talk about no contact when you have anxiety, feel extremely distraught, have depression, getting a tight chest from overthinking, and you’re generally feeling terrible after the breakup. How to cope with the breakpup and how do you overcome your breakup? Doing No Contact is so hard when you don’t want to mess up with…

She BLOCKED Me 100% — My Ex GF Blocked Me On EVERYTHING!

She BLOCKED Me 100% — My Ex GF Blocked Me On EVERYTHING!

Let’s talk about an ex girlfriend who blocked you 100%. Meaning, absolutely everywhere. Getting blocked by an ex is already scary enough, but it’s even worse when she blocks you everywhere. Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, WhatsApp, whatever messengers you might have. The guy in this video actually has even been blocked on LinkedIn. His ex went…

Blog Categories