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Break Up REGRET: I broke up but now I want her back — Should you TELL her?

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

Strained relationships and breakups really suck because it’s human nature to only miss something when you let it go. Dumper regret isn’t a universally male or female phenomenon — although they tend to play out differently over time. Especially when you’re inexperienced with relationships you often don’t realize how valuable a relationship was even if it wasn’t perfect. Missing an ex girlfriend and wanting her back after you dumped her can be quite the mental torture.

When you dumped your ex girlfriend but want to get back with her, you know that you messed up, and asking her to take you back seems about as tempting as asking to get hired for a job position that you rejected just a week ago. You know that sending a follow-up e-mail to your potential boss wouldn’t go very well and chances of still getting that job would be very low. So is it worth the risk of reaching out to your ex-girlfriend and letting her know that breaking up was a mistake?

To answer that question, I want to read you one of my favorite political quotes that somewhat reminds me of dumper’s regret and with a little bit of tweaking explains nicely how to handle a breakup like a man when you miss your ex.

If you are not a liberal at 25, you have no heart. If you are not a conservative at 35, you have no brain.

The idea behind the quote is that when you’re young, you lack experience and process most ideas and events in the world through a lens of your emotions. But as we get older, we often realize that nothing in life is simple and real problems require complex solutions, or often they don’t require a solution at all because some of our liberal values, while reasonable as a young adult, are often unrealistic when seen through the lens of logic.

Relationships and breakups require a similar balance of emotions and logic. If we’d take the same quote but modify it for breakups, it would go something like this:

If you don’t want your ex back at 25, you have no heart. If you don’t move forward from a breakup at 35, you have no brain.

The sentiment here is the same. When you’re young and inexperienced, any breakup will make you want to get back with an ex-girlfriend, but as you transition from a young boy into manhood, you realize that not everything in life serves you and sometimes you have to choose your battles wisely and find reasonable solutions to your relationship problems.

What I want to portray with this quote is not that getting back with an ex-girlfriend shouldn’t be done because as you grow older, you turn into a based redpiller who realizes that all the women on the planet are just replaceable meat bags. Relationships are worth cherishing and fighting for one that’s on the brink of collapse is noble. The key moral of the quote is that the way you fight for your relationship matters.

When you broke up with your ex-girlfriend and want her back, restraint is crucial to re-attract her. Obviously, just like with the story of rejecting a job offer, if you don’t reach out to that employer, they’ll never know that you changed your mind. Likewise, if you broke up with your ex and want her back, you need to let her know — as uncomfortable as that feels. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride for the things that matter the most to you.

And fortunately, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman has much deeper investments than a random work opportunity. But it’s crucial to find the right balance of how you tell your ex that you think you made a mistake. Just like a mature man in his 30s has learned to master his emotions, you should let your ex know how you feel about her with restraint and then walk away.

And on a sidenote related to the quote: It’s probably not the case in your scenario, but it is common to regret breaking up with a girlfriend even when you shouldn’t. Our emotions often play tricks on us and not every relationship was good. Especially when a relationship was non-stop toxic, or already had a lot of drama and fighting within the first year, it’s not always worth getting back together. A man in his 30s with a lot of life experience will definitely understand this, whereas the younger generations will let their emotions get the best of them.

Welcome back to Dating Dilemma, I’m Andi Galster. I got a message from a guy who broke up with his ex-girlfriend and he quickly realized that he wants her back but now she doesn’t want him back anymore. So, let’s break down the problem. Dating Dilemma Breakdown, coming up.

Even if you Broke Up with her: Never Beg with her — How to Get your Ex Back after Begging and Pleading

Hello, I’m in pretty big trouble because I broke up with my girlfriend but she came back to talk to me and she kind of rejected me when that happened because I was begging and pleading and she doesn’t want to come back anymore. Now I’m doing no contact for three weeks and I wonder if I have a chance to reach her. I was with my ex for three years and we  sometimes fought about different things, for example culture & religion, because I am Moroccan and she is French. But I respect her and I never  cheated on her, and she also didn’t. We just didn’t always see eye to eye especially because of my more traditional background.

See, this is where we can see the difference between a wise & battle-hardened man and a man who has yet to experience how to handle a breakup properly. No matter what led to the breakup or who broke up with whom, as a man you should never chase or beg for her to come back to you. You should always maintain your dignity and self-respect. The most significant asset a man can have is the respect he earns from his woman. Without respect, you will succumb to a state of timid weakness, whereas a woman who respects you will nurture you and multiply your strengths.

It doesn’t matter who dumped whom — if you are not worthy of respect it is always going to be you who will face rejection in the end. A woman only wants to get back together with a man who naturally commands respect and exudes a sense of worthiness. Your ex doesn’t want you back if she can wrap you around her fingers. Always be dominant — don’t be a doormat. If she can walk all over you then there’s an imbalance of power because you are meant to take care of your woman. No ex-girlfriend believes that you’ll provide for her if she can tell that you are more dependent on her than she depends on you.

I would certainly reflect on your relationship problems before focusing further on getting back together. I assume your issues aren’t that big of a deal and can be resolved. Although I’m fairly agnostic, I grew up with Christian values and these values aren’t too different from the average Muslim woman here in Indonesia. But there’s always a chance that you both simply can’t be in alignment with the way you both want to live life. But, as I said, I assume it’s solvable. Ask yourself while you’re doing no contact how you could bridge the gap between previous relationship issues. That way, when you get back together you can already have a better start.

Now, that aside, can you reach your ex-girlfriend? Well, it depends what you mean by reaching. Can you reach your ex girlfriend emotionally? Sure, as long as you do no contact properly and don’t behave in ways that lower the respect she has for you. You had been a couple for three years. That is a long time considering that 70% of all relationships end within the first year. If you had a long-term relationship, the amount of history that you and your ex-girlfriend share is rare and special. A long-term relationship creates a lot of emotional attachment which can’t be forgotten overnight. Any relationship that lasted more than a year will be remembered fondly.

Of course, the duration of a relationship isn’t necessarily the indicator for why an ex girlfriend will miss but when you’ve been together for 3 years, it’s an indicator that the relationship was relatively healthy and that the good experiences vastly outweighed the bad ones.

Even if you would never get back together, she’d probably never completely forget you, especially if the relationship wasn’t very toxic. So for example, whatever might happen with the next guy, such as a rebound relationship, won’t be as relevant as all the history that you have already built over three years. Right now she may not remember you fondly but in the long run that will change due to the Fading Affect Bias that makes her forget the negative aspects especially right before and after the breakup.

The core idea to take away when you do no contact, especially with a long relationship, is that you’re never fully out of reach thanks to the long-term commitment that you shared. That’s why you don’t need to reach out to her or convince her to get back with you. She will reach out to you naturally because that’s what women do. A woman chooses her man — even her ex boyfriend.

When you Have Breakup Regret: How to Get her Back after Breaking Up with Her — Tell her Once and Wait

So one day, we were fighting  and I told her that we needed to break up. So she moved out and went to her mother’s house and after three days she sent me a message to see how I am. So I responded and asked her if she was gonna come back and I also apologized for breaking up with her. But she told me that she needed time to think about our relationship. And then I was panicking because I felt that I would lose her, so I begged and pleaded her for one month to come back and give me another chance. But at the end she told me that she prefers to stop and that it’s best that we stay broken up.

What you went through is something I’d like to call the double-fade breakup. The double-fade breakup is when an ex-girlfriend’s feelings fade out before or after a breakup, then her feelings for you increase again, but as she comes back they fade again — usually because you made a mistake when she came back. Now, in your case, her feelings didn’t really fade initially before the breakup since it was you who broke up, but you get the idea.

You didn’t even have to do no contact because she came back to check in on you after only three days. She was already missing you in less than a week. I don’t know the full context of your fight and why you broke up. It can be the case that your ex girlfriend made mistakes and she knows that when you broke up with her it was reasonable in the heat of the moment.

It is an incredibly good sign when an ex-girlfriend reaches out to you within just a few weeks after a breakup. All you had to do was stay in your masculine when she came back. Apologizing to her for the breakup was the right thing. The problem is that you then turned that apology into a repetitive begging-fest and you kept on re-iterating your regret. She lost respect for you as soon as you went from being the one who dumped her to being the one who desperately chased her.

The best thing you could have done when she messaged you was to not even ask her to get back with you. Directly asking her if she wants to get back together was a weak & approval-seeking behavior. All you would have had to do was for a meetup to happen and then you most likely would have talked it through and it would have led to emotions running high, which then would have turned into a makeout session, and eventually amazing make-up sex. And after that, you would have already been back together.

Compare this scenario of confidently seducing her without seeking validation vs what you did. In the seduction scenario, she reached out to you even though you dumped her. If you would have been remorseful but remained respectable, she would have gotten back with you on the spot. But instead, you felt desperate to take action to draw your ex in closer and you did it too soon.

And every time that you begged further with your ex, she got the picture that you weren’t mentally strong. All of a sudden, she had to question why she wanted to get back with you. You impulsively broke it off with her and then you kept on acting more like a boy than a man. A woman doesn’t want to feel that she can play and manipulate a man. As the man, you should always be perceived as the one with the power. Not to be a tyrannical man who will use that power to dominate and oppress her, but instead, to protect her. If you aren’t seen as a protector, your ex won’t want to be with you. If she can play, she won’t stay. If she can deceive, she’s going to leave. This is not just anecdotal advice! This has been studied and applies not only to an ex-girlfriend but to any woman that you are trying to attract.

All you needed to do is give your ex one more confirmation that getting back together was a good idea. A tough man handles even difficult situations with grace and calm. You overthought and became afraid of losing her when she gave you a signal that she’s about to come back. You should ask yourself why you reacted in such a way. I’m assuming that you have made your entire identity as a man too dependent on her. It’s great to have a woman to depend on, but you also need to be able to depend on yourself as a man. Something in your mind pushed you towards a scarcity mindset and this is how the situation derailed when it didn’t have to.

I Regret Breaking Up with my Ex Girlfriend: Is the No-Contact-Rule to Get an Ex Back the Right Thing?

Now I am doing no contact for three weeks and I am resenting not contacting her or sending a message. I hope that she’s gonna come back because with this no contact, I think that I am giving her space and time so she can think about our relationship. Should I really not text her, or go and see her so I know if she misses me, or wants to come back?

No, you shouldn’t message her. Trying to reach out to an ex after failed attempts to get her back is about as productive as trying to get a brand new puppy accustomed to your home and yourself by forcing yourself onto the puppy. Just like the puppy, after some time it will explore its environment and see how it likes being in your home and around you. But if you’d approach the puppy over and over in an attempt to make it feel comfortable, it will just run and hide because it’s afraid. Your ex-girlfriend is probably not afraid in this scenario, although you certainly broke her heart when you dumped her, but she is not sure if she still fits into your environment.

You already apologized to her and asked her if she is going to come back to you. While you shouldn’t have asked her to take you back, she knows that you want her back now. Over time, if she misses you enough, she is going to ask herself if you still feel that way and that’s when she’ll feel triggered to reach out to you. Chasing her didn’t work the first time and if you keep on chasing your ex you’ll simply get what you’re already getting: Rejection

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

Henry Ford

If you want your relationship to have another chance, you need to accept that your ex-girlfriend has currently tuned out emotionally because you’re not on the same wavelength. She’s the one who seems strong, whereas you are weak. There is a mismatch between what a woman wants and what you are providing as a man. A woman can be fragile, fluctuating with her emotions, susceptible to hardships in her life, and experiencing pain more vividly than a man. This is why a woman wants her man to be the one who provides strength no matter how vulnerable she feels — this is the man you need to become to your ex-girlfriend again.

But more so, you need to become that man for yourself. I am sure deep down this is not who you want to be. Would you rather be the man who can be counted on? Or do you want to be the man who has to count on others? You know the answer to the question. Being a burden to others as a man feels terrible. So stop being so focused on no contact and the act of getting your ex-girlfriend back. Use your time during no contact to transform yourself into the man who doesn’t have to chase love and appreciation. Become the man who receives it naturally because he’s so dependable that everyone wants to love and appreciate him!

Now, that said, you sent a follow-up message a while later, so let’s wrap it up:

How to Get a Girl Back after Breaking her Heart: You Broke her Heart but she does Still Love You

Hey, my ex just texted me after 25 days of no contact and she says ‘Hey I hope you are okay. I just want to know if it doesn’t bother you to get my washing machine and dinner table?’ She said she’s going to come in August to take it.

This is painful but every guy needs to be prepared for this! If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, your ex-girlfriend or ex-fiance will sometimes reach out to take care of shared responsibilities. Often, when an ex reaches out to you, it’s to test the wasters and evaluate if she wants to get back with you. But it’s not always going to be the case.

You need to be ready for the knife to the heart when you find out that she only got in touch with you due to a practical reason such as having leftover items at your place, an old insurance that’s still shared, or a pending payment, and so on.

Now, sometimes, exes will reach out for small things that aren’t very important. Like a small household item here or there isn’t really worth retrieving from an ex if you are heartbroken. So when an ex gets in touch with you for something that she could have easily taken care of otherwise, it’s usually a sign that she wants to talk to you again.

But in your case, this seems like your ex is currently considering moving on with her life. Now, does it mean that your chances of getting back together are forever ruined if she’s moving forward with life? No, of course not. But you should not get your hopes up and try to keep it as low-key as possible when she picks up her washing machine and dinner table.

Don’t do anything. Don’t expect anything. Don’t go into ex-girlfriend pleaser mode when you meet up for a practical reason. Go under the assumption that she just wants her washing machine back. If you can have a good conversation when you see her, that’s great. Your main goal should simply be to not revert back to your needy behavior. If you can do that, it’s already a win.

In a best case scenario, she will see that you are confident again, that you’re not afraid to talk to her and maybe you’re even able to make fun of the situation that you’re in. If she can feel that you no longer feel threatened by her moving on, and if you have accepted the situation as is, it will greatly increase the respect your ex has for you. Right now she has no interest in you any longer and that is largely because she lost respect for you.

The ironic part is that she most likely still has feelings for you and probably still loves you deep down. But your needy behaviors made these feelings hard to come to terms with. Don’t worry about what she’s up to for the time being. Don’t worry about reaching out to her. Don’t even worry about how the conversation will go with her when she is at your place. Overthinking in the presence of a woman always leads to failure.

Your ex-girlfriend is currently trying to move on with her life. She is probably going to reach out to you again in the future when she properly misses you. I am sure your ex is currently going through her post-breakup freedom phase. A new start feels good to her. And feeling that way is the right thing. Because whether or not she gets back with you in the future, she’s currently trying to rebuild, get her life in order, and feel happier.

This is the exact same thing that you should do. In fact, you should try it even more. But, a smart man does not go into short-term pleasure mode when doing so. Get your freedom back and focus on how you can improve your life during no contact. Focus on long-term goals instead of short-term fun, and in the future, in a year or two from now, whether your ex wanted to get back with you or not, you’ll have a better life than you could have possibly been able to imagine right now. Right now is the time to make a decision to move forward with strength toward a new direction in life. If your ex-girlfriend joins you in that direction in the future, that’s great. If she doesn’t want you back, well, it’s too bad, but another woman will love the man who’s walking the new and improved path.

The only way to re-attract an ex, especially if you broke her heart, is to show her that you are strong and dependable. If she can see that and she still has feelings for you, she will get in touch with you and exactly that strength is what will help you to seal the deal when she does so.

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