Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about exceptions to the no contact rule. Should you be reaching out to your ex? Is there like a reason when you should be reaching out to your ex? And typically the reality is that you should almost always do no contact. There are only very limited reasons why you wouldn’t be doing no contact. For example, if you have kids together, that’s kind of obvious. Or if you still have to take care of something really, really important, like a family member, for example, something like that. But most of the time, there’s just no reason. Yes, sometimes you’ve got to break no contact again. Like I said, you have kids or maybe you have some important proceedings like divorce papers or you have to do something like insurance or something like that, take care of something like that. Or an old pen, penning payment or a mortgage or something like that. Serious stuff, basically. But aside from that, there’s no excuse to basically make an exception to no contact and reach out to your ex. I wrote down a few things here that, you know, are not excuses to reach out to your ex. So let me just read some of them down.
I’m probably not going to read all of them because I might actually soon create a like a bonus chapter in my course, like a free bonus chapter that has very specific answers to very specific questions. So, for example, one chapter might be on a short, you know, five-ish minute video that quickly goes through, hey, when is it OK to reach out? When is not OK to reach out? Things like that. So, for example, when should you not bullshit yourself? When should you not make an excuse to reach out to an ex?
When To Do No Contact: Should You Use The No Contact Rule?
- For example, if you have a pet together that needs to be shared or taken care of. No, man, you know, you’re no longer a couple. So one of you gets to keep the pet and then you don’t need to communicate.
- Or if you have mutual friends and you will inevitably see each other and like social events or gatherings, whatever, you can talk to her at the event. But you don’t need to reach out because of that.
- Or maybe if you are in a group chat, fine. And you can obviously communicate in the group chat, but that’s about it.
- When you have something like a planned vacation or a trip together and you can’t really cancel that or whatever, you know, you can. I’m not even sure if you need to communicate about that at all. Both of your tickets, maybe you need to give the ticket. Maybe you have to go on the same plane. That sucks. Maybe you can reschedule it or whatever. It’s tricky. Maybe you can get different seats if you haven’t booked the seats yet. But again, it’s not really a big reason to reach out.
- Then next up, you know, for example, if you have possessions, like if you have something that belongs to her, you know, if it’s not something important, something crucial, then, you know, you don’t have to give it back to her. If it’s just like a few plates or I don’t know, like, you know, if it’s a guitar, OK, you can give it back. If it’s a rice cooker. If you would have a rice cooker, probably not a big deal and you don’t have to give it back to her.
- You get the point. If it’s just something small here, you’re probably just looking for an excuse.
Now, anyways, let’s get into the message of a guy who is looking for an excuse to reach out to his ex to communicate with her, to maybe see what she’s doing and see what’s a distraction level for her. Never a good idea. Never do that. Just wait. Let her reach out. And if she doesn’t reach out, then you got your answer and you will find another one. All right. So let’s get into it.
Grasping At Straws During No Contact: Making Up An Excuse To Reach Out To Your Ex Girlfriend
Hey, coach, I need your advice about making no contact. I know it goes against the idea of no contact, but I think I should make an exception just as once about our dog. I guess I’ll only give you a quick summary of the breakup because it’s more about the dog. So my ex and I broke up two and a half months ago because we were fighting a lot. Now, in retrospective, after reading five love languages, I realize a lot of our fights were just out of a lack of love and attention. Both our love tanks were very empty in the last months before the relationship ended. I think our fighting had nothing to do with our incompatibility or hate for each other. We were just very bad at giving each other what we needed. So, yeah, now we’re broken up and the breakup was pretty bad.
And as I mentioned, one big issue was also that we had a dog. It wasn’t easy to decide who gets to keep the dog, but in the end, we decided that I would keep our dog, Raui. At first, the dog stayed with her, but then she decided she was going to move back to her parents’ home for a while. And we agreed that it’s best that I kept Raui because bringing him would be and would have been too difficult for her. This entire ordeal kind of felt like a custody legal battle. But in a way, I think it was a good thing because at first we were fighting a lot with the breakup and also with Raui. But in the end, we came to the decision together and we let common sense prevail instead of being so focused on our anger and hurt. Now she’s back in town again. I think she just needed some time off because the breakup was hard on both of us and I think she feels better now.
Yeah, so it’s a good thing that you basically came to an agreement and eventually you stop fighting and you did what was best for a dog, essentially. And also best for your ex, I guess. You know, she was struggling and she left town. It would have been pretty hard to bring the dog, I assume, either on a plane or on a bus. I don’t know where you live and what transportation she would have taken. But it’s not so easy to travel with a pet, basically. So, you know, perhaps that will earn you a little bit of bonus points because you in the end ended everything a little bit gracefully. But that doesn’t mean that you should be reaching out. Now, anyways, let’s continue where it goes.
So I’m doing no contact right now. I started no contact just a few days after I got Raui. So in a nutshell, I have been doing no contact for nearly three months now. I haven’t talked to my ex at all since then, and she hasn’t reached out to me in any way. But I think I should break no contact. Raui got an ear infection and the vet says he needs self surgery to remove some infected tissue. Since she really cares about Raui, I feel like it’s something that she should know, especially if she wants to be there for the surgery. It’s unlikely anything would happen to him. But you never know. Theoretically, any surgery could go wrong, right?
Yea, theoretically any kind of surgery could go wrong. I had like a small surgery before many, many years ago. And yeah, things can go wrong. Like, you know, one big mistake or one small mistake and you bleed out and you’re done. Right. But still, I wouldn’t tell her about that. That’s just an excuse. If something happens to Raui, that’s just it. But the reality is it’s very rare that something actually happens during a surgery. I don’t know what the percentages are with surgeries, but I bet like less than three percent of surgeries go wrong. Actually, I have a dog in Germany, a very old dog. She’s super old. She’s like, I don’t know, man, 15 plus years. Very old. She has no teeth anymore. She can’t hear anymore. She’s super old. She got issues with her kidney. And yeah, I mean, we had like some treatments on her done with, yeah, the teeth being removed and the doctor didn’t even know if, you know, she’s going to survive it because she’s too old already. And she made it through. So, if an old dog can survive it then probably your dog can survive it as well. And you’re just looking for an excuse to reach out to your ex. I’m not saying that things can go wrong.
And obviously, if things would go wrong and you decided to not let her know because of that, then don’t blame me. I’m just telling you, this is probably what you should be doing. At the end of the day, I know this sounds hard to say. I’m going to just be straightforward here. I’m a total dog lover. I’m a total cat lover. But at the end of the day, it’s just a pet. If Raui, God forbid, dies during the surgery, your ex will forgive you. All right. It’s not that big of a deal. Of course, she will be really sad. She will be like, what the fuck happened? But if she knows it was an accident and, you know, couldn’t be done anything there, it’s just how it is. Life happens. Mistakes happen. Accidents happen. Misfortunes happen. And your ex won’t really blame you for that. She can’t blame you for that. Now, anyways, let’s continue with what you’re saying.
Let Your Ex Initiate Contact: The Importance Of Letting Your Ex Reach Out
So I think I should let her know because otherwise if she messages me soon and then finds out later on that Raui got sick and I wouldn’t even tell her, I think she might get mad at me. Also, like I said, initially she wanted to keep Raui because she’s really fond of him. He was a part of our little family. Plus, maybe it’s also a good way to talk. It’s a good reason to have a quick check in with her, gauge how she’s doing and figure out her current attraction for me and see if she is interested to talk. I couldn’t think of any other reason why we would talk right now unless she messages me.
Yes, exactly. That’s why you should not be messaging her because if she would be attracted to you, she would be interested to talk to you. Guess what? She would be messaging you about Raui exactly. I think she’s just brand new in town, right? So she’s maybe still doing orientation. She’s maybe not yet sure about things. She’s not sure if she should reach out to you. Now, I’m not saying that this guarantee that she will reach out to you. But right now she doesn’t have an incentive to reach out yet. Otherwise, she would be reaching out because of your dog in a heartbeat. Basically, it’s the perfect excuse. That’s exactly how it should be. She should be reaching out to you, not the other way around. Don’t be weak. Don’t become a beta male. Don’t chase a woman. Don’t chase your ex.
She should chase you. And if she really cares about you, the dog is the perfect reason to do that. So let her come to you. Don’t make up shitty excuses. Don’t be weak because trust me, if you actually go through with this, if you message her, you will feel like a total idiot. And after like a week or two, when you didn’t get the result that you wanted, you will hate yourself, you will disrespect yourself, you will look down on yourself, and they will only hurt your progress with no contact with yourself, of regaining confidence, of becoming attractive to her. It’s all going to spiral and it will just set you back. So don’t do it.
Don’t Be Weak With Your Ex: Fighting The Urge To Connect With Your Ex-Girlfriend
Maybe I could also use Raui as a way to connect with her in general. She’s only been back in town for three weeks, and I’m sure she misses him. And he’s the one thing that still connects us despite of the breakup. Maybe she would like the idea of going on walks with him in the future. Maybe she wants to check in on him every now and then to see how he’s healing after the surgery. Anyway, I know that breaking no contact is a tough act to balance. But I think in this scenario, it might be a good idea. And what do you think? Thanks, Scott.
No, no, it’s absolutely not a good idea. I already walked through this. If she would like to go on walks again, it’s the perfect reason to talk to you. Or well, not the other way. If she would like to talk to you, going on walks is the perfect thing because she can actually see you face to face. You can connect over your dog. I still remember I had this really bad ex many, many years ago. She was very toxic. She probably is still pretty toxic, I think. Yeah, I think she is. But I still look back at the time when we had a talk together and I was so sweet to go out with that dog for walks and all that stuff. It was a good time. You know, not everything is bad with a shitty ex, right? And so I still remember that fondly and your ex feels the same way.
If she wants to talk to you, she feels fondly about your dog and she will reach out to you as a reason, as an excuse. And she should make that excuse. Not you. I know it’s really tough, but if you show to an ex that you’re weak, that you’re just making up dumb excuses to message them, they know exactly what’s going on. They know exactly that you’re insecure. They know exactly that you missed them. They know exactly that you got nothing going on in your life. They know that despite the fact that you have the dog and you should be happier with the dog and you have a good time. It’s taking care of your dog. Isn’t that fun? You loved your dog. You should be busy, but no, you’re not. You’re trying to reach out to her and chase her, even though you got that sweet dog, man. Spend more time with your sweet dog and look, you can actually post some cute pictures with your dog. I typically don’t suggest to flex on social media. I make a big deal about this in my course about don’t flex and all that stuff. But you know, like some stories about your dog or like some posts with your dog are OK. So don’t overdo it. You know, don’t make it too obvious. Just do it because you love your dog. And then your ex might actually reach out to you eventually. But don’t be super obvious. You don’t make one IG story about your dog every single day.
That’s kind of obvious. You get the point. You might as well share something about the life of your dog. And maybe she will bite, you know, ironically, no pun intended. Maybe she will bite. And then, you know, when she bites, you can go on a walk with your dog, perhaps. And then you see where you can take it from there. But don’t reach out to her. Don’t make excuses. Never any exceptions to no contact, unless, like I said, there’s like super urgent stuff and your dog is not something super urgent. Even if there’s something like a surgery, it just does not count. Like I said, and the biggest dog lover and the biggest cat lover. If I see a cat anywhere, I will pet it. If I see a dog anywhere, I will pet it. I fucking love dogs. And still, I’m telling you, no, you’re making up a dumb reason to reach out to her because at the end of the day, it’s just a dog. So that’s my advice to you.